{the easiest} Red velvet Cookies

These are the easiest red velvet cookies you'll ever make.

I'm a fan of red velvet cake, but sometimes am short on Tupperware that can hold a cake or cupcakes that transport easily. Hence, the red velvet cookies.

I'm a big fan of quick and easy.

Ingredients:
1 box red velvet cake mix 
2 eggs
1/2 cup oil or applesauce
Dash of vanilla (optional)
White Chocolate Chips (optional)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Mix all ingredients except white chocolate chips.  You may need a touch more oil if your batter is very dry. It can be a bit dry, so I do recommend adding the vanilla to the batter. If you're going for a healthier option, use applesauce instead.
3. Gently mix in white chocolate chips
4. Once fully mixed, take a spoonful of batter and roll into a ball. 
5. Place dough on a greased cookie sheet and gently and lightly flatten cookie.
6. Bake for 12 minutes.  
7. Enjoy! If you want you can drizzle with frosting :)

Hopes for 2014

My bestie was over last night and wished me a happy last day of being 27.

 Another year older.

I'm ready for it and I'm ready for the new year.

2013 has been down the hardest year of my life.

The non-stop infertility battle has left me battered and bruised. Chunks of my hear, my hopes, my dreams have been torn to shreds. My bank account scares me thanks to fertility treatments.

Another year older, but can it really be worse?

2013 has been the year that my hopes, dreams, and plans for the future have come to a halting stop.

I'm ready for that year to be over and ready for the crushing to stop.

 

 

2014 HAS to be better than 2013.

In 2013 my 'vacation' days were spent driving to the fertility specialist. In 2014, I'm going to take actual vacation on my vacation days.

In 2013, my pay checks went straight to fertility treatments and appointments. In 2014, I'm going to put them towards something that's a little more rewarding and promising--not sure what that will be yet.

2013 tears were 100% of heart ache and anger. 2014 is going to be filled with more laughter.

In 2013 I gave up: I gave up on everything--even myself--because I was honestly so depressed and devastated by infertility. I let it run my life. In 2014, I'm going to run my life and choose happiness.

 

Cheers to 2014 being better than 2013.

IVF, Adoption, Fostering

Having kids was always something I wanted in my life. After I got married, it became something that we both wanted as well. Our infertility path is a simple continuation of that desire. 

Yet, we sit here at a roadblock pondering what to do next.

How do we decide? What is right for us? What's next?

There is one thing we both know: we want kids and we want to have a family. The biggest question: at what cost? While I understand the financial implications of having children, I never dreamed of the cost to conceive a child.

At this point, all of our options are a gamble--a gamble of time, money, and emotions.

Foster Care/Foster Adoption
Foster care is not intended to lead to adoption. The goal is to 1) bring the children back to their parents, then 2) bring the children back in the care of a relative. After both those avenues are checked, then the next in line for adoption are the parents fostering that child. You never know or have any idea if all parental rights will be relinquished, so you may not be lucky enough to foster a child available for adoption. For us, this was too big of emotional gamble. The heartbreak I would face after loving and providing for a child only to have to see them leave would be too much. Kids can be in foster care for years and still be reunited with their birth parents. Having no children now, I just couldn't do that to myself. At this time, foster care just isn't for us. Once we have a child, I would love to do foster care. I highly admire those with the big heart to be able to go through this.

Adoption
We've considered adoption a lot. If you know anything about adoption, you would also know the expenses of it are hefty. Maybe I've seen one too many episodes of I'm having their baby on Lifetime, but adoption is a financial and emotional gamble as well. The birth mother has a 50/50 chance of choosing to parent and then we would be out the money to the adoption agency, the money to support the birth mother. We would be financially and emotionally drained, and we would be out of the time. For us, time is a big issue. In the big picture, my husband's side doesn't have a good history of living over 50. If we were to go with adoption first and it fall through and then decide on IVF, we would be out years of egg quality.

IVF
I never considered IVF until it was our only option. The clinic we go to has been very helpful, laying everything out open and honestly. IVF is expensive. The American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) lists the average price of an in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle in the U.S. to be $12,400. That price doesn't include medications or the pre-IVF procedures. I feel a bit ridiculous that this gamble is the one we want to go with, but it feels right for us. Our clinic has a 54% success rate--I'm taking the extra 4% and running with it. They also offer financing though an affiliate that is guaranteed or your money back. At this point, I'm happy and excited to get that process going within the next six months. While there is a lot of financial and emotional implications with IVF, it has the greatest success rate. After 2 and a half years of trying, we're choosing the option with the glass the fullest.

Every infertility case is different. The reasons and issues are very different. This is my view on what will work best for us and our situation.




Note:The main reason I started my blog was to have an outlet to dump my infertility emotions into.That being said, most of my posts are about infertility. I have never known anyone personally who's gone through the struggle we're going to, but blogger has connected me to so many women in my shoes that it's comforting knowing I'm not the only one going through this.

Frigid High 5 for Friday

 

My week in a nut shell sums up this weeks high five for Friday.

1. My mom's sugar cookies. The recipe is so worn, but I swear they get better by the batch. It just doesn't seem like Christmas season without them.
2. Bruno. Jay rescued Bruno when he was a pup and I'm so glad he did. There's nothing better than seeing your dog look for you when you pull up. I read somewhere a little boy defined loves as, "...when you dog licks your face and wants to play after you left him home alone all day." I couldn't agree more.
3. Burlap. I've been making burlap banners as a hobby and to take my mind off of our infertility journey. While I have sold relatively few, the sense of fulfillment I get when someone buys one it unreal. I've always wanted to quit the 9-5 office world and start my own thing. I know the hours would be more, but it would really justify my purpose in the work world. I think it would help fill a sense of purpose in the void infertility has left in my heart. I do wish I had more support to do this; my husband believes in me though and that means the world.
4. Not loving the cold weather here. However, seeing the forecast say "Frigid" did put a smile on my face. 
5. Jay. He's my rock. Having the big IVF conversation is never easy, but he did it. He's always listened to what I say and then listens beyond what I say to hear what my heart says.

The talk: IVF

It finally happened.

The day that was my ultimate infertility nightmare.

The three letters that hit me like a train came up: IVF

Before we first met with the reproductive endocrinologist for our fertility struggle, I thought I was doing things right and decided to set limits. I said I would never do IVF. IVF wasn't for me. It wasn't for me until our last appointment.

I went into the appointment anxious. I was anxious because I knew the conversation I was going to have. Over two years of trying, endless doctor visits, and too many meds that gave me all the negative side effects, all lead to this conversation.
The no-nonsense, best chances, conversation I started was something that I didn't see myself doing. It made it feel like I was giving up. I wasn't.
I was tired. I am tired.
Tired of being sad and disappointed every month.
Tired of being in a dark place in my life.

We sat down and talked 100% facts on our chances. We were on meds and trigger shots with timed intercourse because our levels weren't good enough for IUI. She proceeded to tell us that because our levels were so off (aka bad) that the meds and trigger shots didn't give us much better chance.
IUI wasn't a good option until one level doubled and another level dropped half.
My heart sunk. My eyes stayed dry. This pain was too deep to bring up tears.
I wanted options.
The doctor gave me what she said would be our only realistic chance to conceive was through IVF.
In my head, I sarcastically remark that we're also realistically going bankrupt if we do IVF.
The cost of IVF is mind blowing: it's a straight gamble.

While I'm having this small pity party for myself, I go over in my head what I could've done in my life have avoided this situation.
There's nothing.

 The question to go through with IVF or not is loaded with burdens: emotional and financial being the biggest.

Top 5 for Greater Satisfaction in Life

5. Disconnect from technology
Ever been out for drinks, or well...anything, and your friend won't put down the damn phone? Yeah. That sucks. I don't know about you, but when it happens to me I feel like they would rather be with the person they're on the phone with. Disconnect a bit and focus on the real and true friendship that's sitting right there beside you and stop focusing on 'friendships' based on Facebook likes.

4. Be a REAL friend
To piggyback on number five, be a real friend. Be present in their life. Don't assume that someone's social media life is really what's going on in their lives. Liking someone's photo or status doesn't really do anything but offer a materialistic means of gratification. The picture of your friend's kid that you liked...yeah, have you ever met the kid? I don't know about you but to me things mean a lot more when they're directed at me individually and not through social media. Be the person who's their for your friend when there is no social media status, when it's just every day life that we're all trying to get through.

3. Be Kind
Every single one of us is facing a battle--most of those battles we never know about, but they continue to go on.  All we can do is be kind. We can take the extra time and care with each other and each others feelings. Stranger or not, kindness goes a long way.

2. Be Thankful
We tend to dwell and focus on those things we don't have. I know I'm guilty of it. We need to focus on the positive in our lives and use those positives as stepping stones to move forward with our lives. Every single damn negative thing has given us a new perspective and outlook and we need to use those negatives and develop from them. Take the time to really see and be a part of what you're thankful for in life.

1. YOU (yes you!) are perfect as-is.
I don't care if you have an extra 5 or 50lbs, you are perfect as-is. You are who you are and who you are is what matters. Stop focusing on negative things you want to change. See the thing you see as imperfections, are actually the thing people love most about you. Our so-called flaws help define us--if we were all society's perfect Barbie doll, we would all be the same. We wouldn't have any uniqueness to set us apart. So keep smiling with that non-so-perfect smile. Keep laughing that crazy loud and weird sounding laugh that makes people stare.

Three Year Reminder

It'll be three years on Saturday.

Three years since my ectopic or tubal pregnancy.

For those of you who don't know, an ectopic pregnancy can't proceed normally. The fertilized egg can't survive, and the growing tissue might destroy various maternal structures. Left untreated, life-threatening blood loss is possible. Early treatment of an ectopic pregnancy can help preserve the chance for future healthy pregnancies. 

I remember going to acute care that day because I was bleeding a lot and in a lot of pain.

I didn't know I was pregnant. I hurt so bad and WebMD-ed myself to believe I had kidney stones.

I didn't.

I went to the doctor alone thinking it would be easy peasy.

It wasn't.

The general doctor  in acute care told me that I was pregnant and that the pregnancy wasn't normal and likely wouldn't survive, all in the same breath.

I cried. A lot.

I felt so alone.

My sister had a baby that very day and here I was finding out I had a tubal pregnancy.

I couldn't go tell my family and ruin the birth of my niece.

I didn't know what to think or do.

I left the acute care in tears--the nurse thought I was upset because I was pregnant.

She must've missed the part about the heavy bleeding, pain, and that it wouldn't survive.

I went to the doctor they recommended who must not have read my charts and told me I was fine and be on my merry way.

I wasn't fine. I bled for about two days more and took a pregnancy test that was positive and called my normal women's doctor. Luckily, he knew what was going on. My husband couldn't leave work. My mom came with. I didn't tell her what was going on. After three hours with the doctor, she was rightfully crabby from waiting. Her sense of rush made it that more difficult for me to tell her what was going on. I told her and she had no empathy. She didn't know how to respond or react.

The next day I drove myself to the doctor--alone.

I sat there horrified at the parenting magazines in the waiting room while I waited.

I saw my doctor alone and went home alone.

Here I am three years later, still struggling with fertility.

It doesn't get easier. 

I've just become better at masking it and trying to move on.

I'll go to my nieces birthday party Saturday with a big grin and big heart, but I'll leave and wonder about where I would be if mine wasn't a tubal pregnancy that day three years ago.

Etsy Banners

With all the drama of my infertility never-ending saga, I decided to put my time into something for me that makes me happy to try and occupy my mind.

I started an etsy shop.

There are digital prints and a few banners up there so far, but I had to share my banners because I just love them.

They fit my home perfect (and won't cost you too much).

One of the faces of Infertility

I'm Katie.

I'm 27.

I'm pretty average.

I am one of the many faces of infertility.

I made all the right decisions in life and it still happened to me.

No, it's not cancer.

It's not a medical condition that will kill you physically.

It will kill you emotionally.

It will challenge you every single day.

It will make you tear up at diaper commercials,

It will make happy momentous events like friends having babies wrench your heart.

It will make you do things you never expected.

It will make you take medications that make you feel crazy.

It will make you give yourself shots, as the doctor ordered.

It will make you spend tens of thousands of dollars on treatment that insurance won't cover.

It will push you beyond your limits until you feel like you're going to break.

Then,

in what seems like your darkest of hours,

it will make you strong enough to go on.

It will show you strength to go on with life.

It will show you a new life that you never dreamed of living.

Infertility will change your life.

Embrace it.

A Month to be Thankful

November is the perfect month to remember the things we're thankful for in the world.
It's a time to really count our blessings.

 The whole infertility journey has been a tough one for me.
I'm thankful that I am no longer in the dark place infertility can take you.
If you've experienced infertility, you know what I'm talking about. If you're still in that dark place, it's ok. I was there for a long time and still have my slip ups of tears, sadness, or anger.
Silverlining: I'm thankful that I want something so bad that I will fight and fight for it and not give up.

I'm thankful for my support system.
My husband has watched me turn into a crazy person on clomid, a sad sad person, and back to normal without hesitation. My mom has filled in at appointments that my husband couldn't make and been there when I just need to go and buy some happy. The friends who listen and kindheartedly care enough to be sensitive and just there whether I need a shoulder to cry on or a night away from it all have saved me from myself.

I'm also thankful for limits. Thankful that I can set limits and be ok to move on when I've reached that point.

I'm so lucky to have a team of doctors, CNPs, and RNs that walk me through it all.
One phone call and results left me feeling like we had reached the end of the road until my doctor wanted a follow up.
She had a plan. An actual plan of what we could do to try to reverse our bad results.
It was instant relief. It was instant hope.

I'm thankful I have options.
While the medications make me feel terrible and aren't ideal, I'm thankful I have to option to take them. I have myself my first trigger shot on Saturday and felt a combination of empowered and scared.

While this has been a journey with many cliffs and valleys, I'm thankful that I've gotten through it this far. I'm a fighter and I will not let infertility get the best of me. It may get the best of some days, but it won't get the best of my life.

Side note: this print is available as a digital download for $3 on my etsy shop.

{Gnome Garden}

I had to make my gnome a ladder to climb up the tree stump. All I did was break sticks and hot glue them to twine!

 

As winter is approaching upon us quick (too quickly actually) in South Dakota, I realized that I never posted about my gnome garden. While the fair garden boxes seem to be a big trend this year, I went for the gnomes. We have a large tree stump sitting in our yard, so I decided a gnome garden would beautify it. While I purchased some of the times at retail stores, I did find A LOT of the items at rummage sales. Just think of all the fun you can have doing this! 

The mini-stump house is a candle holder I painted & the beads are for vases to form water.

Beer/soda bottle caps made for an excellent entry way to the wood house I found at a garage sale for $.50.

Autumn Mug Swap

Check out Jessah's awesome blog where this photo came from!

My friend Jessah over at Dreaming of Dimples is such a positive inspiration to me on my fertility journey. She always has this silver lining, not to mention a gorgeous blog (which I'm completely jealous of because of its great design!).
I wanted to share this Autumn Mug Swap she's putting together.

How it works.
This swap is open to all bloggers and instagrammers (in the US).
If you'd like to participate, just leave a comment on this post with your blog name or Instagram name AND your email address. The last day to sign up will be Oct 31st.
Swapping.
On Nov 1st, check back to find out who your swap buddy will be. After matches are posted, you will contact the person you're matched with, swap addresses and mail out your mugs.

Shopping.
You can choose a cute, pretty, inspiring, or fun mug from one of your favorite stores. I've seen super cute mugs lately at Pier One, Anthropologie, Home Goods, Target, Etsy, and Starbucks. The mug must be new and something you'd like to receive. The max price you should spend on the mug is $15 but you can spend less. If you find a mug for less than $15, you can include a card, some treats or other small gifts in the package as well. 

Sharing.
On Nov 20th, I will host a link up where bloggers can share their mugs so we can see all of the happiness that was spread. For Instagrammers, you can post your new mug package images on IG using the hashtag #autumnmugswap
Why November 20th?
According to Bizarre and Unique holidays, it is a Beautiful Day. A day created to share in the beauty all around us. What a perfect day to share the happiness we received from a fellow blogger or instagrammer.

Now, go over to Jessah's blog and sign up!

Sprinkle Bomb Cookies

Whenever I'm in the mood for a sweet treat, I usually want something quick and easy.  Cookies are always a crowd pleaser,  so today I made some Sprinkle Bomb Cookies.  I was inspired after seeing some in the mall.  I thought these would be fun for a birthday, any holiday, or anything special like having free time before noon on a Sunday.

I have a confession: these are the easiest cookies.

Ingredients:
1 box yellow cake mix 
2 eggs
1/2 cup oil
Dash of vanilla (optional)
Sprinkles

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Poor sprinkles into a bowl. Keep sprinkles to the side. 
3. Mix all ingredients except sprinkles.  You may need a touch more oil if your batter is very dry. It can be a bit dry, so I do recommend adding the vanilla to the batter.
4. Once fully mixed, take a spoonful of batter and roll into a ball. 
5. Drop the ball into bowl of sprinkles.  Roll in sprinkles until covered. 
6. Place sprinkle covers dough on a greased cookie sheet and gently and lightly flatten cookie.
7. Bake for 12 minutes.  
8. Enjoy!

Rock bottom.

I don't know how fertility nurses do it. Half of their job is to deliver you bad news. I guess it must be the half that provides hope.

I got the call with about 30 minutes left in the day.
Another one of our test results came in off the deep end of the spectrum. 
It came back to far on the bad side that they said our chances of IVF success rate were not high enough and they wouldn't recommend doing it.

Luckily we have a great doctor and nurse combination that didn't make me feel like my world was crashing down. Luckily I was at work and had to keep myself together.

Luckily I waited until I go into my car to cry. I had to tell my husband the terrible results and terrible news. The poor guy has been through so much in his life, losing both parents before age 25, that I felt twice the heart break. He has thick skin because he's been through so much. Skin so thick that I told him and he just went on about his day. He's so much stronger than I am in this area that I feel bad crying and getting upset about it in front of him.

I looked all around and felt alone. No one wants to hear about sadness. No one wants to hear about infertility. 

I got these terrible results that I had to hold inside (and share on here because let's face it, I don't have any followers). I felt like the grim reaper walking around. I shared the information with one friend who lives across the country and she managed to understand and had flowers delivered to me. 

It's one of those times that you really find out who your friends are, the quality friends: the ones that can look you in the eye and know that something is wrong; the ones that will soak up your tears, the ones that will bring you a bottle of wine and say let's cry this thing out together, the ones that will bring over your favorite movie for a laugh, the ones that are across the country and still send you a hug over the phone--it's those ones that count.

Maybe this is my silver lining--finding out who's real.

As I throw myself this pity party and my cup of coffee catches my tears, I tell myself to get over it and stop feeling bad for myself. I try to run away from this ominous rain cloud and into the sunshine.

Maybe now I can spend the rest of my life traveling the world, living carefree on an adventure.
Maybe now I can start my own business and work those long hours establishing myself without worrying about missing out on my kid's events.
Maybe not I can workout and get into great shape.

The maybes fulfill me for a brief time before my world crashes down on me.
I need time to grieve. I need to process this experience. Most of all, I need to move on.

Kid's Room Banner

Banner love. Banner happy. 

Call it what you will, but I have it.

After making my "Welcome" burlap banner, it dawned on me the number of banners you could make.

Weddings, parties, and bedrooms...oh my!

I tried to contain my self and make a banner that someone would use.

My sister just had a baby so I couldn't think of anyone more fitting for this project.

I apologize that the picture isn't the best, but here you go!

If you need directions refer to my Burlap Bunting tutorial for the details, but remember this is yours so make it your own.
Here's a bit better picture.

High five {Fridays}

The five things I'm loving this week:

1. 1. Junk Bonanza. Absolutely the most fun and creative event I've ever been to in my life. So many inspirations and ideas there. To top it off, everyone had a smile on their face, all for the love of junk.
2. My fam. Jay is the best guy. Always there. Always keeps me grounded, but isn't afraid to let me dream a bit with my head in the clouds. Always my voice of reason.
3. FGL. Florida Georgia Line puts on a great show. I went last night and it was exactly what I needed after the week I've had. Thank God for good friends who will dance the heal off their boots with you!
4. "Someday it's gunna make sense," seems to be my new mantra lately or so I keep trying to engrave that idea in my head.
5. South Dakota traffic. Talk about a beautiful sky. There's something special about being in the middle of no where; it makes you feel as if you're really part of something bigger.

One test, ten steps back

All it took was one test.
One test's bad results rocked my world.
Two days before the doctor's only option for us was insemination. While I was trying to stomach the idea that the various types of insemination were our only options, I was also a bit hopeful because we had options.

We had options for two days. Two days of hope, excitement, uncertainty, and feeling like we were moving forward.

Then we got one test result that was bad. It was so bad that the doctor wouldn't move forward with us. We're again, stuck in limbo. We'd done these very same tests months ago and everything came back normal. With the specific test, which I'm going to remain nameless, we came back at 6% and normal is 40%. My heart literally sunk and I swallowed the tears as I'm frantically writing notes onto a sheet of paper while the doctor was explaining everything to me. I was too caught up in getting the facts to cry.

My husband comes home for lunch and we talk about the results. I remain calm because he's always calm and relaxed about everything. He leaves to go back to work and I lose it. I can't pull myself together to face the world. I just want to curl up in a ball and get away from it all. I want to hop on a plane and go to some far away exotic island where I can be too wrapped up in island life to worry about it all. But I can't.

Retest in two weeks and again in eight weeks.

This is going to be the longest time in my life. I can't even think about dealing with the sincere question of how the "whole baby thing" is going.

To top it off, work isn't the best.

When it rains it pours I guess.
Until it stops, I'll be waiting for that rainbow after the rain.

Katie

Unexplained Infertility itself is a journey. It makes you step back and really look at the important things in your life. It also makes you hurt and think of all the things you would change about your past. It makes you hurt and have to tackle each day with that same painful smile on your face. It makes you busy trying to distract yourself. It makes you lonely.

The worst thing it does: it makes you put a price tag on a child.

After our RE appointment, the choices she recommended were exciting. They were exciting until we got to the details. Calculating how much it was going to cost and calculating how far we could or would be willing to go with our modest incomes.

The excitement of starting next cycle wore off as soon as the price tag was put on.

What am I doing? Am I so selfish that I would spend our live savings to maybe have a baby. The maybe is key. There are no guarantees. There's no money back. There's no tears back either. As if infertility isn't stressful enough, you just go ahead and top it with crazy big doctors bills.

As in all things in life, the choices make it hard.

I don't think there is a right or wrong in this. I think there's heartache either way.
There's pain and anger.
There's excitement and fear.

How do you share something like this? If we move forward, how do we tell people? What do we say when people say, "I can't believe you finally got pregnant!"? How do we respond? Is it a simple smile and thanks or is it something like, "Yeah..we worked really hard with our team of doctors to get this, it's truly a gift." I know I'm jumping way ahead of myself, but those are the things going on in my mind.

If you've done this, please leave a comment and offer advice.

Wine tree

My favorite kind of tree: the wine tree

This summer I spent some time at a family friend's and she had this gorgeous wine tree. I had to get one of my own. It comes as a metal frame and my particular tree holds 98 (wow, I know right) empty bottles of wine.

 

At first I was on a mission to fill it myself, but after about 3 months with only 9 bottles, I got some help from friends and had them save bottles for me. I'm slowly filling it up, but carefully picking out wine based on all the important things: bottle color and cuteness of the label. 

I've started adding extras in to the layers that are filling up. Some feathers, leaves, and berries, oh my!

Just wanted to share a little fun to my fellow wine drinkers.

Cheers!

Katie

high five for {friday}

High Five for Friday 

High Five for Friday 

1. Owls. I heart them. I found this one at Joann's Fabrics and made it custom for our house.

2. Paints. I made this painting/wall hanging a while back and fall weather made me re-fall in love with the colors. It made me think of fall and thinking of the next adventure in chapter.

3. My new vinyl wall cling. A nice  daily reminder that there is no one-size fits all in beauty. 

4. Golfing with the fam. My dad calls my husband to go golf more than he calls me...and I love it!

5. SoDak sunsets. Turn on the country music and this sunset will fit right in. "I'm going to live where the green grass grows.." I took this off my front porch. Does it get any better?

One not so high five for Friday: my sister moved. It makes me sad panda. If you want to see the saddest thing, look at a panda bear that's sad. That's how I am right now.

Finding {peace} during infetility

The hardest part of the infertility journey is finding peace.

Over two years into this journey and I figure out the big picture of this journey. The hardest part for me has been the lack of answers. Unexplained infertility is a double edged sword: while I'm happy nothing is medically wrong with either of us, that also means there's nothing to fix so to speak.

As a reach milestones in my journey here are my top five ways to find peace.

1. Don't be afraid to talk about it. Yes, it's going to be hard and yes, some people won't understand. I found it most helpful to open up to our families and closest friends about it. The more I held it in, the more I hurt, and the darker and deeper the hurt got. Opening up to people is tough and not everyone is going to be the kind of support you may need. Regardless, it's the best way to gain extra support. How can someone support you if they don't know what's going on?

2. Do not let it take you over. I have infertility; it does not have me. For too long, I let our infertility take over my life. I reached a point where I felt like I was obsessed with it and I was letting it effect my marriage. When I saw this happen, I turned a leaf and decided that it was not going to have me.

3. Find distractions. The wait between the cycles, doctor's appointments, and meds can be crazy. Distract yourself with something else you love. It will occupy your time and keep your mind from being overwhelmed with infertility and all the fun that goes with it. I started this blog, took up a bit of gardening (so time consuming, but fun--I can't grow a baby, but I can grow some great flowers :) ), went to the lake as much as possible, and plan to have a lot of projects/crafts for when South Dakota's winter hits.

4. Look at your priorities, count your blessings. I really had to take a step back and evaluate my life on this one. While having a baby is a priority, it would've never been one if I didn't meet the right guy. I found that I was putting the desire to have a baby before my marriage, before my best friend. It's only looking back that I can see this. Now, I wake with daily affirmations and count my blessings. When you count them, there gets to be a lot.

5. Moving on is not giving up. For me, I'm ready to move on, but I'm not giving up. I'm moving on from the negativity, heart ache, and sadness of infertility. We've set our limits and are sticking to them. We're not giving up, but we're moving on to the next chapter. A chapter filled with laughter. If a baby miraculously becomes a part of that, even better. Yet, a  or no baby will not define us as we move forward with our journey.

If any one is out there and reading this: you're not alone.

Hosting a baby shower + Infertility

Hosting a baby shower while going through infertility,  on paper, looks like the stupidest thing I could do. Yet, after two years of going through the ups and downs of infertility, why should I continue to put my life on-hold? I'm done crying every night about it; I'm done being sad 24/7. I'm ready to move on and move up to a more positive time in my life.

While I start my post with a strong and powerful feeling, note that there is a lot of emotion. I'm coming to terms with the fact that maybe a baby isn't in the cards for me. I feel that the this next appointment will be my final check mark of the closure list (pending the outcome I guess). I'm ready to move on with my life and stop being heartbroken over something I never had. I'm thinking of all the stuff we could've done with our money instead of testing that has given us absolutely no answers or direction to go. I feel like unexplained infertility is a joke of a diagnosis. It doesn't provide any reasons or cause and effect.The amount of heartache, sadness, tears, and nights of infertility taking me to a lonely and dark place is my life was too many. Life is way too short for that. I'm ready to be done with it all.

Going through the Infertility journey is a time when you find out who your true friends are. I cannot believe the number of 'friends' who are completely insensitive to the situation despite the number of times I confront them and tell them that their comments are hurtful and saddening to me and the topic can be painful.

Some comments have been bothering me, so here it my little vent session. If I write it down, I feel like it's taking a huge weight off my shoulders.

The person, not friend, who's pregnant and constantly complaining about how terrible pregnancy is. Well, yes, I do understand it's not all peaches and cream, but you know that's something I've wanted. I've told you my situation and how hard it is for me, so let's keep it more positive conversations about pregnancy so I can be happy for you and not upset that you're complaining and taking it for granted. The person who makes a joke of it despite me telling her that I take it very serious. Don't joke that I'm not doing 'it right.' I've calculated doing it for 26 months on the exact schedule my body (and doctor) tell me is the correct time. I've spent way too much money on ovulation kits to ensure I'm doing it all right. The person who tells me I'm not doing enough or going as far as I could to get this pregnant. We have a modest income that allows a little wiggle room. Not room to spend $12K a month on IVF. I've spent a LOT of money with everything we've done. There is also an emotional cost associated with all of this too. The heartbreak on my monthly gift has grown tiresome. The person who tells me that I can't be done trying. Are you kidding me? This is my choice. It's my body, my emotions, and my marriage that all of this is effecting. Fertility drugs make me feel like poo and also make me a crazy emotional wreck that still has to continue on with life as normal even though I feel terrible.

Ugh. It's been hard, but I also have realized how good some of my friends are to me. My husband is a trooper. He has listened to my tears and hurt day after day and still loves me. My mom has been a support beam for me. Allowing me to breakdown and have her build me back up. A few friends have been crazy great. Two who know the most don't even live in the same town as me. One lives literally across the country and gives me so much support I can feel her hugs over the phone. She listens non-stop and will even Skype and have a happy hour with me when I'm down. Another lives an hour away and was the first person to really see my hurt before I was able to open up about it. Her simply being able to recognize this shows how good of a friend she it to me. One in town takes the time to do lunch once a week (and does my hair too :) ) with me and tells me in the most heart-felt, thinking of you, kindest way that she's expecting again. I so appreciate the way she told me. Her non-stop interest in how I'm doing and what's going on with me makes me feel less crazy.
 

Well that's enough venting for the day.
Katie
 

High Five for Friday

High Five for Friday is a weekly link-up hosted  at Lauren Elizabeth (love her blog). It's a chance to reflect on your week and remember some (five, to be exact) of your favorite things about it. This is my first week and here's a taste of what I'm loving this week:

1. I know Jello shots are a very college thing to love, but I do love them. My mom and I (goofy I know) make them for tailgating. It's so fun to see young and old people connect at our tailgate spot because of a simple Jello shots. College students (21+) and alumni in retirement connect and meet because we bring these. It's so fun. Who doesn't love to tailgate? Great food, drinks, and great people!
2. My new seat covers. My mom is this uber talented sewer and she made these for me without a pattern in an hour! We got the fabric 70% off at Hancock Fabrics this weekend, so the total cost was about $12. I honestly love seat covers for my car. I have a dog that sheds a lot and these covers save me. My seats look brand new because I've always had seat covers.
3. My new owl. Again, 60% off at Hancock fabrics. I like all of the colors. It adds a little bit of fun and silly to my office. I don't think offices need to be so stuffy. I work at a university and I want students to feel comfortable when they come in.
4. My new niece Lanie is so stinkin' cute. She's been filling my extra time. I'm hosting a baby-q co-ed shower tonight. I'll post later to let you know how it goes.
5. My husband and my pup. Ok, he's an old man not a pup, but I heart these two big time. The weather's been cooling off at night so we can all enjoy a drink, a fire, and eachother's company at night.

Cheers to the weekend!
Katie

PS-I made this awesome college at Fotor and love it! That site has so much fun stuff.
Also, if you haven't linked up for H54F, you should!

Feeling {ready for} Fall

As I browsed Hobby Lobby, which I could do for days, I was overwhelmed by the number of Christmas decor and decided that I'm ready for fall. I'm ready for pumpkin latte's, pumpkin flavored treats, and most of all cute boots!

I decided that I needed a few fall items to add to my mudroom entrance and settled on giant, glittery acorns, and a few cutesy pumpkins. The best part: it was all 40% off!

Just wanted to share because I don't normally decorate a ton for each season/holiday, aside from Christmas. I realized that I don't need a lot to make a big impact for changing the feel for fall.

Happy Fall everyone! Now back to going outside so me and my cute pup (disclaimer: he's actually really old. Hence the white face that looks like he got hit in the face with a snowball).

Cheers,

Katie (and Bruno)

 

Note: I love Hobby Lobby and this is just my opinion of the store and I think half of my home decor typically comes from there.

Upcycle, Upgrade

Upcylce = Upgrade 

I'm so mad at myself for not taking a before picture, but I just wanted to share this photo of a garage sale bargain ($5!) that I upgraded. It was plain wood before with some, let's say VERY outdated flowers.

I used some gray paint I had from painting my walls and some $.97 Walmart white craft paint and a Hobby Lobby Wall stencil I had hanging around collecting dust.

I honestly painted this thing as quick as possible in my garage (hence the junk on the floor) and let it sit in the sun/wind and dry. It's not the best drying technique, but I was 100% going for imperfection on this one. 

Then, I used a stencil brush and stenciled the pattern in under 5 minutes (4minutes of adjusting the stencil, 1minute stenciling).

Just remember that cosmetic details can be quickly fixed! 

Thanks!

Katie

Catching Up

As you may have noticed, it's been a while since I've posted.

I blame the whirlwind that has been my life lately...well, and the beautiful South Dakota summer-like days have been drawing me to spend as much time outside as I can before it get cold.

Since I last posted, I've become an aunt (again) to this cutie below.

Her name is Lanie and she's too cute! It is my one sister's first. She was so thoughtful and asked me to be in the room with her during the delivery. I know, some of you may be thinking of how weird/crazy that is, but it was good. I feel like it was good for me and for her. I cheered her on as she grew tired and exhausted. For me, it felt like something I could check off my list as I go through the infertility journey. I felt like because I've watched it and been a part of a real life birth, I could check it off my list of things to do for closure for infertility. I feel like it gave me one more check mark off of the list of things I need to do to be "done" with the baby thing. When I say "done" I really mean come to terms with knowing I might never do this.

I also found out the hard way that I'm allergic to bees. My arm literally swelled 5 times its normal size! It looked like elephantiasis. When I went into the doctor a day and a half later, he laughed at the size and told me I should've went to the ER. Opps! He seemed pleased with my response that I didn't want an ER bill. He also advised me to try not to get stung in the face or neck, lol. Needless to say, I'm now an owner of epi pens. Hoping I won't have to use them.


Until the next time,
Katie