{the easiest} Red velvet Cookies

These are the easiest red velvet cookies you'll ever make.

I'm a fan of red velvet cake, but sometimes am short on Tupperware that can hold a cake or cupcakes that transport easily. Hence, the red velvet cookies.

I'm a big fan of quick and easy.

Ingredients:
1 box red velvet cake mix 
2 eggs
1/2 cup oil or applesauce
Dash of vanilla (optional)
White Chocolate Chips (optional)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Mix all ingredients except white chocolate chips.  You may need a touch more oil if your batter is very dry. It can be a bit dry, so I do recommend adding the vanilla to the batter. If you're going for a healthier option, use applesauce instead.
3. Gently mix in white chocolate chips
4. Once fully mixed, take a spoonful of batter and roll into a ball. 
5. Place dough on a greased cookie sheet and gently and lightly flatten cookie.
6. Bake for 12 minutes.  
7. Enjoy! If you want you can drizzle with frosting :)

Hopes for 2014

My bestie was over last night and wished me a happy last day of being 27.

 Another year older.

I'm ready for it and I'm ready for the new year.

2013 has been down the hardest year of my life.

The non-stop infertility battle has left me battered and bruised. Chunks of my hear, my hopes, my dreams have been torn to shreds. My bank account scares me thanks to fertility treatments.

Another year older, but can it really be worse?

2013 has been the year that my hopes, dreams, and plans for the future have come to a halting stop.

I'm ready for that year to be over and ready for the crushing to stop.

 

 

2014 HAS to be better than 2013.

In 2013 my 'vacation' days were spent driving to the fertility specialist. In 2014, I'm going to take actual vacation on my vacation days.

In 2013, my pay checks went straight to fertility treatments and appointments. In 2014, I'm going to put them towards something that's a little more rewarding and promising--not sure what that will be yet.

2013 tears were 100% of heart ache and anger. 2014 is going to be filled with more laughter.

In 2013 I gave up: I gave up on everything--even myself--because I was honestly so depressed and devastated by infertility. I let it run my life. In 2014, I'm going to run my life and choose happiness.

 

Cheers to 2014 being better than 2013.

IVF, Adoption, Fostering

Having kids was always something I wanted in my life. After I got married, it became something that we both wanted as well. Our infertility path is a simple continuation of that desire. 

Yet, we sit here at a roadblock pondering what to do next.

How do we decide? What is right for us? What's next?

There is one thing we both know: we want kids and we want to have a family. The biggest question: at what cost? While I understand the financial implications of having children, I never dreamed of the cost to conceive a child.

At this point, all of our options are a gamble--a gamble of time, money, and emotions.

Foster Care/Foster Adoption
Foster care is not intended to lead to adoption. The goal is to 1) bring the children back to their parents, then 2) bring the children back in the care of a relative. After both those avenues are checked, then the next in line for adoption are the parents fostering that child. You never know or have any idea if all parental rights will be relinquished, so you may not be lucky enough to foster a child available for adoption. For us, this was too big of emotional gamble. The heartbreak I would face after loving and providing for a child only to have to see them leave would be too much. Kids can be in foster care for years and still be reunited with their birth parents. Having no children now, I just couldn't do that to myself. At this time, foster care just isn't for us. Once we have a child, I would love to do foster care. I highly admire those with the big heart to be able to go through this.

Adoption
We've considered adoption a lot. If you know anything about adoption, you would also know the expenses of it are hefty. Maybe I've seen one too many episodes of I'm having their baby on Lifetime, but adoption is a financial and emotional gamble as well. The birth mother has a 50/50 chance of choosing to parent and then we would be out the money to the adoption agency, the money to support the birth mother. We would be financially and emotionally drained, and we would be out of the time. For us, time is a big issue. In the big picture, my husband's side doesn't have a good history of living over 50. If we were to go with adoption first and it fall through and then decide on IVF, we would be out years of egg quality.

IVF
I never considered IVF until it was our only option. The clinic we go to has been very helpful, laying everything out open and honestly. IVF is expensive. The American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) lists the average price of an in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle in the U.S. to be $12,400. That price doesn't include medications or the pre-IVF procedures. I feel a bit ridiculous that this gamble is the one we want to go with, but it feels right for us. Our clinic has a 54% success rate--I'm taking the extra 4% and running with it. They also offer financing though an affiliate that is guaranteed or your money back. At this point, I'm happy and excited to get that process going within the next six months. While there is a lot of financial and emotional implications with IVF, it has the greatest success rate. After 2 and a half years of trying, we're choosing the option with the glass the fullest.

Every infertility case is different. The reasons and issues are very different. This is my view on what will work best for us and our situation.




Note:The main reason I started my blog was to have an outlet to dump my infertility emotions into.That being said, most of my posts are about infertility. I have never known anyone personally who's gone through the struggle we're going to, but blogger has connected me to so many women in my shoes that it's comforting knowing I'm not the only one going through this.

Frigid High 5 for Friday

 

My week in a nut shell sums up this weeks high five for Friday.

1. My mom's sugar cookies. The recipe is so worn, but I swear they get better by the batch. It just doesn't seem like Christmas season without them.
2. Bruno. Jay rescued Bruno when he was a pup and I'm so glad he did. There's nothing better than seeing your dog look for you when you pull up. I read somewhere a little boy defined loves as, "...when you dog licks your face and wants to play after you left him home alone all day." I couldn't agree more.
3. Burlap. I've been making burlap banners as a hobby and to take my mind off of our infertility journey. While I have sold relatively few, the sense of fulfillment I get when someone buys one it unreal. I've always wanted to quit the 9-5 office world and start my own thing. I know the hours would be more, but it would really justify my purpose in the work world. I think it would help fill a sense of purpose in the void infertility has left in my heart. I do wish I had more support to do this; my husband believes in me though and that means the world.
4. Not loving the cold weather here. However, seeing the forecast say "Frigid" did put a smile on my face. 
5. Jay. He's my rock. Having the big IVF conversation is never easy, but he did it. He's always listened to what I say and then listens beyond what I say to hear what my heart says.

The talk: IVF

It finally happened.

The day that was my ultimate infertility nightmare.

The three letters that hit me like a train came up: IVF

Before we first met with the reproductive endocrinologist for our fertility struggle, I thought I was doing things right and decided to set limits. I said I would never do IVF. IVF wasn't for me. It wasn't for me until our last appointment.

I went into the appointment anxious. I was anxious because I knew the conversation I was going to have. Over two years of trying, endless doctor visits, and too many meds that gave me all the negative side effects, all lead to this conversation.
The no-nonsense, best chances, conversation I started was something that I didn't see myself doing. It made it feel like I was giving up. I wasn't.
I was tired. I am tired.
Tired of being sad and disappointed every month.
Tired of being in a dark place in my life.

We sat down and talked 100% facts on our chances. We were on meds and trigger shots with timed intercourse because our levels weren't good enough for IUI. She proceeded to tell us that because our levels were so off (aka bad) that the meds and trigger shots didn't give us much better chance.
IUI wasn't a good option until one level doubled and another level dropped half.
My heart sunk. My eyes stayed dry. This pain was too deep to bring up tears.
I wanted options.
The doctor gave me what she said would be our only realistic chance to conceive was through IVF.
In my head, I sarcastically remark that we're also realistically going bankrupt if we do IVF.
The cost of IVF is mind blowing: it's a straight gamble.

While I'm having this small pity party for myself, I go over in my head what I could've done in my life have avoided this situation.
There's nothing.

 The question to go through with IVF or not is loaded with burdens: emotional and financial being the biggest.