The Wait to the Specialist

As the hospital referral clerk called to set up our appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist (RE) I felt like I just got socked in the face.

I went into the infertility battle (yes, it's a daily battle) thinking that my local women's doctor would be able to help us finally have a baby. Nope. I feel like I need a t-shirt that says, "I went on Clomid and all I got was crazy."

While speaking with the RE's clinic, the details of the appointment keep piling up. She tells me that I should bring a notebook to the appointment  and that the appointment will take at least two hours. Initial reaction: I mean are the going to spend 2 hours staring at my crotch!?!?!
Secondary reaction: Insert stress about getting time off work for the hubs and myself. Insert stress about the upfront fee. Gulp.

She also mentions that we will be meeting with a genetic specialist. I think that's what scares me. While it's comforting knowing we're going to be taken good care of, we still might not find an answer. Or even worse, it'll be something genetic that can't be fixed.

It's a scary thing to be told that you'll receive a large package of paperwork in the mail before the appointment.I have a theory that the more paperwork involved, the more serious the issue. I don't know that I'm scared or that I'm just sad because it's gotten to this point where it is a real big (and expensive) issue that can't be fixed by my normal doctor.

I go over it in head and try to replay life's events that may have lead up to this and wonder how did it get to serious so fast. Yet, it didn't. It's been over two years. Now I'm wondering if I should've done this all sooner. I didn't think that at 27 it would be so hard to have a baby. I mean, that's what people do at this stage, right?

Ugh. It's over a month away. The wait will be tough. I'm still hopefully that simply scheduling the appointment will just make things happen. Overall, I'm happy with this. I'm happy that we scheduled an appointment because no matter the outcome, it's a step forward. I've been very optimistic. I confess that I bought a to-die-for onsie (ok so three :) ) that I'm saving in a little box under the bed for that one day when the test shows up positive.

What was your first RE appointment like? Honest answers welcomed.

Cheers to wishful thinking,
Katie



 
 

Burlap bunting: Welcome

 

Burlap bunting: Welcome

As you know, I am in love with the burlap craze...and I have leftover burlap from previous projects, so I wanted to keep the craze going. I wanted to create something to tie my burlap accent pillows into my mud room, so let's make a burlap welcome sign quick.

Supplies you need:  

• Burlap-half a yard should bee good, but a got a full yard to make more than one $2.97/yd
• Random light colored/printed fabric- mine was left overs. It's going to be the base of the pillow because burlap has bigger gaps and I didn't want the stuffing to be 
• Paint/Sharpies-you can get the fabric ones, but I got the regular ones because the final project would  not washed ($2 for a 3-pack). I decided to buy the $.97 black paint in the Walmart craft section for this because I had some stencils that would work for this project.
• Stencil/Lettering-you can buy a stencils or just print off the words you want. I used some letter stencils that you can find at Walmart. You could also print off the words or design you want on plain copy paper and trace
• Lace-the amount you need depends on how many letters are in you bunting, but I got the $1 lace ball (lace in a little container that looks like it came out of the quarter machine) from Walmart. You can also see what scrapes of ribbon you have laying around and use that.
• Buttons-I grabbed a $1 mixed black and white pack, but I'm sure if I would've looked around that house I would have plenty.
• Scissors
• Needle and thread
• Glue-a hot glue gun or no fray glue (Stop Fray or any kind of liquid stitch would work)

The Steps:

1. Cut a triangle out on cardboard. Use this and cut 7 triangles out on the burlap. I quick drew mine without using a ruler because I didn't care if the triangles were perfectly shaped.
2. Stencil or trace your letters onto the burlap. I used a stencil brush (foam, rounded with a flat bottom) and got this done in about a minute for all of the letters. Be sure to put newspaper or something down because it will soak through the back side. Let these dry completely before you move them.
3. Use your no fray glue around the edges of each letter and let dry. I originally didn't do this because I liked it a bit frayed, but the little weight of the banner will cause the burlap to pull apart. You could also sew each triangle, but I was too lazy to get the sewing machine.
4. Place the letters in the order and approximate angle you want it to hang, overlapping the corners.
   
5. Take your lace or ribbon and drape it along the top of the banner.
   
6. In the corners where the letters over lap, stitch the button on going through both the lace and the burlap. Continue to do this for every overlap and one on each end for a completed look
7. Done! You could completely sew the lace on, but it's not necessary.

Side note: I made the frame in which my sign is hanging.
To do so:

1. Find an old  body length mirror frame, chalk board frame or cabinet door frame. I got mine from a cabinet shop. The frame was made the wrong size, so I simply asked if I could have it in exchange for cookies. That and my husband works there so I get random scrap mistakes.
2. I took the frame and literally wiped on the paint with an old garbage t-shirt. I wanted it to look messy...and it does.
3. Chicken wire. You can find this at Lowe's or most home improvement stores (at least if you live in the midwest).
4. Cutting the chicken wire to fit was a pain. Be sure you have some sort of gloves on to speed up the process.
5. Put the chicken wire in the frame and seal it in with clear caulk/silicone.

What kind of bunting will you make? Send me your ideas.
I don't have kids, but would love to do one for a little baby room!

Thanks for reading,
Katie

Burlap Pillows

Today's DIY was inspired by burlap (left over burlap).

I am in love with the burlap craze. I want everything burlap. I'm not an experienced sewer so I thought I would start with some accent pillows for my entry way bench to cutesy it up a bit.

Supplies you need:  

• Burlap-half a yard should bee good, but a got a full yard to make more than one $2.97/yd
• Random light colored/printed fabric- mine was left overs. It's going to be the base of the pillow because burlap has bigger gaps and I didn't want the stuffing to be visible
• Sharpies-you can get the fabric ones, but I got the regular ones because the final project would  not washed ($2 for a 3-pack). If you're really good with a small paint brush, which I am not, you can use that instead.
• Stuffing
• Stencil/Lettering-you can buy a stencils or just print off the words you want. I used some Hobby Lobby stencils. You could also print off the words or design you want on plain copy paper and trace

 

The Steps:

1. Cut both the fabric and the burlap into two equal size shapes. 
2. Stencil or trace the design you want on the burlap.
3. Place the two pieces of fabric together right-side-in and stitch together, leaving a small opening your hand can fit into. Once you've stitched them together you'll turn them inside out, so the print is facing out.
   
4. Take your stuffing and stuff!. Try to keep the it even and make sure your corners are full. Keep stuffing until you're satisfied with the fullness and then stitch closed.
5. Stitching the burlap. As you can see from my pillows, you have two options for the edging of the burlap cover. You can two pieces of fabric together right-side-in and stitch together, leaving a small opening your hand can fit into (as in step 3) or if you want a frayed edge, you can simply leave the burlap print right-side-out and stitch away, leaving and opening to stuff the pillow in. This will give you the frayed edges. 
6. Stuff the pillow into the burlap case and stitch it shut.

Hopefully this adds a little more happy to your place like it did to mine!

Thanks for reading,
Katie

 

Friday DIY: Burlap wedding gift

Friday DIY are fun days. Fridays are the days when I submit one of my weekly DIY projects with directions so you can to it too. Please feel free to request a type of project and I'll see what I can do to make it work.

Today's DIY was inspired by wedding season.

Wedding season hits your wallet as hard as your weekend plans. With some inspiration from a friend and my love for the burlap craze, I came up with an inexpensive and quick gift.

Supplies you need:  

• Burlap-half a yard should bee good, but a got a full yard to make one for myself $2.97/yd
• Sharpies-you can get the fabric ones, but I got the regular ones because the final project would be framed and not washed, so it wouldn't rub off on anything ($2 for a 3-pack). If you're really good with a small paint brush, which I am not, you can use that instead.
• Picture frame-I got a 11 x 14 for about $12 from Walmart
• Stencil/Lettering-you can buy a stencils or just print off the words you want. I printed off the words on plain copy paper in order to get the font I wanted

Project supplies: pretty simple.

The steps:

1. After you buy everything, take the burlap and cut it slightly larger than the opening of the matting frame. Make sure you note where the matted frame hits on the burlap to ensure your letters aren't cut off.
2. Tape the printed lettering behind the burlap once you're fully satisfied with the layout
3. Trace! Simple huh? Don't be afraid to be a bit rough coloring as you fill in the letters, burlap is a rough material. Be sure you leave the paper on the back so you don't ruin your table. Remember, it doesn't have to be perfectly or evenly filled in. Burlap is rustic. Imperfection is beauty.
4. Once you're satisfied with the lettering, center the burlap in the frame. Add a piece of tape to keep in in place and close up that frame.
5. Admire that you made a great and personalized gift for under $20.

The finished project.


Please feel free to request a type of project and I'll see what I can do to make it work.

Infertility & Getting Rid of Facebook

Some weeks are harder to get through than overs on my infertility journey.

This week has been hard for me emotionally. Blogging about my infertility experience started as a way for me to blurt our everything my heart was feeling about what I was going through, but it's done more than that. It's let me put it out in the open with no fears. It's let me actually have a place where I didn't have to receive advice from every one and their dogs. It's let me actually reflect without tears. It's let me see how real this is. Something about putting something on paper makes it more real.

The first year of infertility I was calm. We were just going to let things happen.
The second year hit and each pregnancy hit me harder. Thanks to Facebook, I knew 12 people pregnant. After feeling down, I got rid of Facebook and I feel so much better.

I don't have to hear about how wonderful and terrible the pregnancy is, or better yet, I don't have to hear about babies' every sneeze and bowel movement. Yes, I'm sure they're wonderful, but taking myself off the Facebook grid has opened my world up. I'm more in touch with the people who matter most to me. And those babies that are actually apart of my life, I see their sneezes and smell their diapers when friends visit. It's a great experience removing yourself from technology. It actually has made me more relaxed. 

I am a better wife, better daughter, better aunt, and better friend because the connection isn't a click away. I find myself in a happier place by forcing those efforts to connect in life. I get show people how much I care about them and love them and value  those relationships more because of the connection. By connecting directly with my loved once, and physically showing up in their life's events, I have an extra sense of value in my own life.

Disconnecting from social media has made me re-connect this those important people in my life.
It's also made me see myself with more value. I get to be apart of these people's lives and they love me whether I have kids or not. They may not understand what I'm going through in this journey, but a hug from my niece touches my heart more than a million likes on Facebook could ever do.

Make sure you see those connections outside of social media and make sure you live them up.
Those people who show up with a tub of ice cream and sit on the couch with you and while you just be are the people who will make all the difference. Quality people makes all the difference.

Katie

Going Crazy on Clomid

Before I start talking about clomid, I want to say that I was extremely indifferent about using medication to assist in my ovulation cycle. I took a variety of herbs, vitamins, and everything natural under the sun to help my ovulation. I even did fertility acupuncture.

While doing all my research, sadly, there is always a dollar sign associated with fertility. Clomid has been around for years and is often the first step in treating fertility issues. At $9-$20 a month, how could I say no?

If you haven't heard of clomid or read about it, please do so. The side effects can be tough, and I think I was one of the few who they hit hard. My husband refers to them as my crazy pills, and for good reason. Below is what a typical day on clomid was like for me. (Please read the side effects at the bottom to ensure you don't think I'm crazy.)

7 am: Wake up and be in a rush to get to work
7:45 am: Grab clomid. Warning clomid may impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery.  Better drive to work before taking clomid.
8am: take clomid
9am: stomach cramps. Insert crazy emotions, like crying at a song on pandora while at work
11am: ugh, tummy hurts. Pop some tums...pop 6 tums.
11:45am: crazy emotional mess. I'm so angry there's nothing on tv. Start crying because your dog didn't run over and give you kisses. Keep crying because, "If a dog doesn't love me, a baby won't."
Noon: Get angry at the dog for making you feel like you're unlovable (Yes, I know how crazy this sounds)
1pm: Insert crazy headache. Migrane of the century. I never had headaches before clomid!
1:15pm: Get angry that clomid is making my headache
2pm: Drive to get an iced coffee to cure the headache
2:15pm: Drink iced coffee at work. Start getting extremely dizzy while working on my dual monitor work station
3pm: Decide I'm too dizzy to work and take a 10 minute walk to get myself felling stable
3:15pm: Walk back to my chair holding back tears because this is my fault I have to take clomid
3:45 pm: Sweat through my work shirt. Love hot flashes as a side effect. Nothing like a swoobs sweat mark in a work shirt that screams I'm a professional.
4pm: Debate whether or not to strip down to a tank top at work.
4:15pm: Continue to sweat. Turn the thermostat down as long as it can go
4:45pm: Become so frustrated that it's not 5pm and almost start to cry
5pm: Rush home with the A/C on high
5:15pm: Get angry because husband's not home yet
5:16pm: Cry because husband's not home yet
6pm: Starving for supper. Make supper and pour a glass of wine to unwind
6:15pm: Sip wine and then get upset because a glass of wine won't help me get pregnant.
7pm: Watch every show on lifetime with a box of Kleenex
8pm: Watch "I'm having their baby" and root one way or another for the baby
9pm: Find out the ending and cry because I want a baby
9:15pm: Realize my husband's rolling his eyes and saying that those mood effects are one sure big side effect.
9:16pm: Get angry at myself for these mood swings.
9:30pm: Cry to husband and apologize for not acting like myself
10pm: Coax husband into a movie in bed and try to fall asleep or remain silent out of fear of the person clomid is turning me into.
11pm: Lie awake thinking I have four more days of this.

Repeat for the next 4-5 days with reasons changing, but crazy emotions remaining the same. Wait 2-3 weeks. Cry because, "It didn't work." Repeat clomid cycle.

Now: waiting to see when to start next cycle and debate if it's worth acting like a crazy person. Getting sad and fearful of it not working.

Despite if it works or not, clomid has been one hell of a roller coaster. I will say it was a bit better the second cycle.

Cheers to having hope and options,
Katie

Passing the two year mark

We celebrated my husband's 30th birthday this weekend. While we had a great time celebrating, I couldn't help but me a little sad as it marked that we had surpassed the 2-year mark of trying to concieve.

I tell you, infertility is a crazy thing. For all the talk of how easy it is to get pregnant I can't help but think I was duped. It's THIS hard...for real!?!?!

It brings up so many things I never thought I would go through. I decided to do a top three experiences infertility has brought me to see.

1. Hurt & Sadness.
I never thought I would be the person to cry my eyes out over a baby shower invitation or have to go in the house when I see a mother walking her baby in a stroller in front of the house. I've cried more in the last two years than I have my entire life. Just when I feel like I'm ok with a life of no-children, something hits me like a semi and I feel this emptiness that I try to fill with tears and 'it's going to be ok' self pep talks. The tears hurt. My heart hurts. It makes you feel alone. It makes you feel alone and hurt. No matter how many infertility blogs, articles, whatever I've read I still feel alone. Every infertility case is so different that it's hard to feel the connection. Maybe because it's an online connection and not someone hugging me in real life saying, "I know how you feel. I know what you're going through."

2. Guilt. 
I felt guilty for everything. For having a love of coffee because the caffeine can affect fertility; for being over weight and blaming myself for this struggle. You name it, I felt terrible about it. The guiltiest I felt was when my sister told me she was pregnant. I felt guilty because while I was ecstatic for her, it made me want to run away from her and curl up in a ball. I feel guilty for missing baby showers, for avoiding my friend's baby conversations and baby talk, for distancing myself to anything baby related. I thought distancing my self was a means of self preservation, but it just makes me feel alone.
Money also makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty for the amount we've spent to find out nothing is wrong. I also feel guilty putting a price-tag or a price limit on getting pregnant. I never thought that it would cost me so much for the simple chance to conceive.

3. Two kinds or people.
There are two kinds of people: people who avoid and infertility conversation and those who have advice. I've been very open to my family and friends about what I'm going through because it makes me feel less alone. I've even sent information from RESOLVE network about what not to say and what to say to someone going through infertility. Still people avoid the subject. People don't ask how you're doing. People don't ask if you're ok or how you're feeling. It makes you feel alone. You would ask a pregnant lady how she's doing wouldn't you? Infertility has no happy ending after 9months. People going through infertility need your support. I need your support.
Advice is something that I don't want unless I ask. I don't care if you're cousin's best friend's sister-in-law got pregnant after trying for three years because it was a blue moon. That's great for her (whoever she is) but her situation is likely not the exact same as mine. And don't tell me to relax and it'll happen. Unexplained infertility is a medical diagnosis and a medical issue. Would you tell someone with a broken arm to relax and it'll fix itself? No, because it's not going to. PLEASE don't tell me to adopt and it'll happen. The cost of adoption is high and so are fertility treatments, so unless you're going to push some cash flow my way, telling me to adopt and then I'll have a baby...yep, that's how we'll go bankrupt. We are your average income. We make it by, but can we afford IVF at around $12grand a round? Hell to the no.

Sorry to leave on a sad note. I'm a little sad panda today, but I promise the next post will be more upbeat.  If you're going through infertility and reading this, I just want to say that I'm sorry and I know how much this sucks. It's going to be ok, maybe not today or even next year, but we can make it through this.

If any one out there in the world is reading this, please let me know with a comment.

Cheers,
Katie

the kid conversation & infertility

About 4monthes after we got married (which was 3/21/11), the kid conversation came up.
When should we start trying? Should we try or should we just not try to prevent it?

We were thrilled at the idea of having a cute 'lil family. We'd had a miscarriage before we were and I was beyond upset...but as life tends to do, life went on. I worked through the emotions of it and honestly, got over it. I think having SO much craziness going on at the same time made it easier.

Fast forward to over 2 years later, and it still hasn't happened. The word infertility, by both definition and emotional weight, is very much misunderstood to the 'fertile world' but very understood by those of us who have gone through it.

By definition, according to the Mayo Clinic,  infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant despite having frequent, unprotected sex for at least a year for most people and six months in certain circumstances. [Insert a smiling photo of my husband and I as I feel like we're the face of infertility]

For a full year, we tried to not try and just let it happen. While I was just letting it happen, I took every single PMS symptom or any little thing wrong with me as a sign of pregnancy. Having pregnancy (or pee sticks like I call them because that's all I do with them) test after test come back negative. I thought, ok, there might be something wrong. I'm telling you I should buy stock in First Response because with the number of pregnancy tests and ovulation kits (holy spendy batman!) I've bought over the last two years, I would've been rollin' in the dough!

About a year into trying with no success, I broke out the big guns and questions with my obgyn. You name it, I asked it. Even though I'd read most of the stuff online, hearing it from a professional made me more confident in my knowledge. She told me that if I wanted to, we could move forward with fertility testing. The whole month I played this blame game in my mind, "What if it's me that is the reason we can't conceive? What if it's Jay? If it's Jay, I'll feel terrible for asking him to go. Yeah...I'm ok with it being me. JUST give me a reason."

We both got tested. Ovaries, good. Thyroid, good. Blood work, good. Eggs, good. Tubes, clear (HSG was not my favorite thing). Jay: sperm quality, good. Sperm count, good. While I was relieved, it felt like a double edged sword. While I was happy we were good and healthy, having a reason would've meant that we could fix it and move forward.

I guess, I don't know. I didn't think it would be this hard.
I didn't think their would have to be a fertility conversation. I didn't plan it this way nor did I see any one go through it this way. It's so unfamiliar and yet, this is MY normal.

Life's a party. Get married in Vegas.

Life's a party...and that's how my crazy whirlwind of an adult life began.

I've been known for my fierce (or fiercely drunk) dance moves since my 21st birthday. Going out on the town with friends, I would end up missing and found on the dance floor no matter if it were packed or empty.

While my party years ran through my college years, my dance moves made me the 'plus fun' of the party as well as landed me my husband, Jay. We met at our hometown street dance and the stars...or in this case the drinks and dance moves aligned and so our fate began. We'd lived in the same small town and went to the same schools our whole lives, but never were introduced until that street dance. We danced and briefly chatted. That was it. A week later we bump into each other and I didn't think too much of it, but he tells me he was out lookin' for me. I tell him he should've called me. He says, well I don't have your number. [Insert awkward silence] I said well, maybe you could ask for it. [Insert me starring at my drink thinking I need to finish it quick in case he doesn't ask for it and things get awkward.] Then he FINALLY asks for my number. And get this...calls me the next day.

The next night we went out for drinks. He said he was going to meet me out side at the bottom of my stairs of my apt because I had some pain-in-the butt, but probably helpful, security doors. I get as ready as I get and head down the stairs. He's not there. I go back upstairs and text him to see if we were still meeting, assuming he was standing me up. Nope..he was there. Just around the corner waiting.

The rest has been crazy. We instantly connected and clicked. Clicked so much that months that as Johnny Cash would say, "We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout." We were on vacation in Vegas to go to Funk-a-Palooza and every one joked that we were going to run off to Vegas. Well, it turns out they were right. In the middle of supper Jay's romantic proposal went something like, "Are you feeling it [getting married]? 'Cuz I'm feeling it." We called the Garden Chapel an hour later and booked it for 5pm the next day. We didn't call or tell anyone. I called my old roomie who's a pilot and asked her to bring our social security cards (so we could get our marriage license) and get there before 5pm because I knew she could fly for free so it really wouldn't be imposing. She agreed. While it was extremely crazy and awesome, I had minor tears the night before. I felt guilty that my family wouldn't be there and that Jay didn't ask my dad, but Jay's parents had passed away so I knew anything traditional would be hard for him and not really fair to him. It wasn't until after that he thanked me and said that a traditional wedding would've been too hard for him to go through.

We woke up the next morning. Got breakfast. Ran downtown to get our marriage license then headed to shop. I mean, I needed a white-sh dress of some sort to wear. We went to one store and grabbed every white/cream dress they had in my size and found one. It was not a wedding dress, but it was my wedding dress. In our rush to get to the airport, I forgot to pack any hair product or styling tools, but I was marrying the love of my life so it didn't matter. We went searching for rings and as soon as I was going to give up, we found one who had a jeweler who could size the rings within a few hours. We had lunch and went to the hotel room and got ready. My roomie came and we went to get married.

The rest is history. My family loves Jay and was happy for me. We both did have to go through having our sisters feel hurt that they weren't there, but for us it was all about us that day. We didn't have a care in the world, we were so happy.

Photo taken 3/21/11

It was crazy, but not until we got back and someone told me how romantic she thought it was. Most people don't associate a Vegas wedding with romance, but if you think about it..it was. We had no cares in the world that day and we ran off and were so in love that we HAD to get married.

The rest is Vegas history.