the kid conversation & infertility

About 4monthes after we got married (which was 3/21/11), the kid conversation came up.
When should we start trying? Should we try or should we just not try to prevent it?

We were thrilled at the idea of having a cute 'lil family. We'd had a miscarriage before we were and I was beyond upset...but as life tends to do, life went on. I worked through the emotions of it and honestly, got over it. I think having SO much craziness going on at the same time made it easier.

Fast forward to over 2 years later, and it still hasn't happened. The word infertility, by both definition and emotional weight, is very much misunderstood to the 'fertile world' but very understood by those of us who have gone through it.

By definition, according to the Mayo Clinic,  infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant despite having frequent, unprotected sex for at least a year for most people and six months in certain circumstances. [Insert a smiling photo of my husband and I as I feel like we're the face of infertility]

For a full year, we tried to not try and just let it happen. While I was just letting it happen, I took every single PMS symptom or any little thing wrong with me as a sign of pregnancy. Having pregnancy (or pee sticks like I call them because that's all I do with them) test after test come back negative. I thought, ok, there might be something wrong. I'm telling you I should buy stock in First Response because with the number of pregnancy tests and ovulation kits (holy spendy batman!) I've bought over the last two years, I would've been rollin' in the dough!

About a year into trying with no success, I broke out the big guns and questions with my obgyn. You name it, I asked it. Even though I'd read most of the stuff online, hearing it from a professional made me more confident in my knowledge. She told me that if I wanted to, we could move forward with fertility testing. The whole month I played this blame game in my mind, "What if it's me that is the reason we can't conceive? What if it's Jay? If it's Jay, I'll feel terrible for asking him to go. Yeah...I'm ok with it being me. JUST give me a reason."

We both got tested. Ovaries, good. Thyroid, good. Blood work, good. Eggs, good. Tubes, clear (HSG was not my favorite thing). Jay: sperm quality, good. Sperm count, good. While I was relieved, it felt like a double edged sword. While I was happy we were good and healthy, having a reason would've meant that we could fix it and move forward.

I guess, I don't know. I didn't think it would be this hard.
I didn't think their would have to be a fertility conversation. I didn't plan it this way nor did I see any one go through it this way. It's so unfamiliar and yet, this is MY normal.