Seeing Yourself Beyond Titles

Recently, I've been included in some groups and at events with what I call the "Moms club." It's groups of women who seemingly all had children except for me. While I greatly appreciate all of the women and the groups and events, I can't help but feel out of place for missing the mom title.

Yet, if we think about it what does a mom really mean? To me, a mom is a caring and kind nurturer, taking care of someone who needs her. Having kids is just a perk to it. I think that many of us in the infertility community who strive for that title need to look closely at our own definition to a mom.

If yours is similar to mine, then chances are you act like a "mom" to some one or something. I know I'm a proud puppy mom and some days it feels like I'm the mom to my husband.

It's how we see ourselves that matter most. I got so caught up in the title that I forgot the "mom" qualities that I proudly carry. Don't let a title define you--be bold enough to see yourself as you really are and beyond the title.

Fertility Testing: Three Things They Don't Tell You

When you struggle to conceive, it can be a scary and frustrating experience. Fertility testing is a tough choice to make in itself: by going forward with testing, you're recognizing there's a problem.

While many, including myself, move forward in order to find answers here are 3 things they won't tell you.

1. Results not guaranteed
Infertility is a diagnosis when a couple has been unsuccessful at achieving pregnancy after one year. Doctors recommend testing at that point. Tests for female infertility and a semen analysis should start immediately, but infertility is a relatively new field when it comes to finding causes. Test after test may come back normal and the only diagnosis might be unexplained infertility. (Kind of a joke, I know.)

2. Not all tests are created equal
I wish we had known where to start and more about each tests. We started by going to my local OBGYN to get us started. Tests for this can be intimidating because you want to trust your doctor 100% and often times don't know where to start or where to go.
A standard fertility evaluation includes physical exams and medical and sexual histories of both partners. Men undergo a semen analysis that evaluates sperm count and sperm movement. While this is a great place to start, this type of testing neglects to look at sperm morphology, the shape and appearance. Sperm can have abnormal heads, tails, or IGC's (immature germ cells). This type of testing is more expensive and often done once you're referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. 

This is just ONE example of how not all tests are created equally for all couples. Before we did all of the tests our reproductive endocrinologist recommended (vaginal & cervical viral and bacterial cultures, semen analysis and semen cultures, sperm penetration and functions, female gonadotropin and hormone studies, hysterosalpinogram, LH midcycle surge, midcycle estradoil and ultrasounds, luteal phase progesterone level, endrometrial biopsy, sonohysterogram--WOW, that's a lot when you type it), we had ALL normal levels. It takes a lot, and a variety of tests.


3. The guilt & blame
This is something I didn't fully anticipate: the guilt and the blame. I went into testing prepared for everything to be on me. I could handle it being on me, but I couldn't handle not knowing. When the results come back, the person or persons who has the fertility issue feel blame. Even when nothing is said, you put blame on yourself. You feel guilt for everything--for drinking in your early 20's for having those 5 cigarettes on your 18th birthday, for everything you've ever done. No matter how supportive (and I'm lucky my hubs is SO supportive) your significant other is, you still feel it. I feel it with every belly bump I see. Trying to get beyond this point it a tough one that takes time. Would I go back and not do the testing? I don't know. I don't know if the frustration would be better or worse than the guilt and blame.

These are my experiences and every couple experiencing infertility (1 in 6) have such unique situations and circumstances that we all have our own unique experiences.