NIAW: Resolve to know more about the process

The process of an infertility diagnosis isn't an easy one. For too long, the friends and family closest to us held on to the idea that infertility was something we made up. It was something that happened because we weren't relaxed or because we weren't doing it at the right time.

But that's not how it works. We started with very painful ectopic pregnancy that made me put a halt on further efforts for a while. I was sad and in pain. I just wanted to feel normal. We tired. And then we really tried. Everything was timed and mechanical. I should've invested in stock for ovulation kits because I was using them up like crazy.

None of it worked.

Still, none of it worked.

We started at my local OBGYN. Everything tested fine and normal. We went on clomid. Then more clomid. Then even some more. (I say we because my husband had to put up with the crazy person clomid turned me into.) Then, my OBGYN wouldn't refill. Semen test was next. Yup, another normal. HSG, another normal.

I've tried SO SO many things on this list, that it actually frightens me a bit.
I've heard so many, “If you just do XYZ, you’ll get pregnant in no time! It happened to my friend/cousin/hairdresser…”  stories. Believe me when I say: we’ve tried everything. Vitamins? Too many to count. Fertility Acupuncture? Twice a week.

Then it was the big referral: the Reproductive Endocrinologist. From there, it was a lot of overwhelming information and tests that turned out to be not so normal. I cried every single night. I would wait until my husband fell asleep to cry: he didn't need to know how deep my hurt and sadness was. The tears followed me to every appointment. Every follicle that didn't measure to size was a tear. Every follicle that measured too big was a tear. I have spent more time than is healthy having professionals stare at my crotch. It's funny having a vaginal ultrasound and having a screen showing you how your ovaries and follicles look to the point where you, the patient, can tell if a follicle isn't up to size.

Medications, injections, and countless appointments later we had an honest conversation with the RE's PA who we worked with closely. I asked her to put herself in my shoes. Not a step out of beat, she said stop what you're doing and move to IVF. The odds were so much better with IVF.

IVF = $$$$$. We had a talk and decided to have some time to breath and live life without fertility drugs before we do IVF. It's looking like late fall is when follicle count and size will really start to matter for us.

That's the process of my diagnosis, coping, and living with infertility.

NIAW: Resolve to know more

It's with a heavy heart that I celebrate National Infertility Awareness Week. My heart hurts that I have to be in the population that struggles with the disease of infertility, but I stand proud that I am a part of the Resolve network looking to increase awareness for this disease.

It's been three years for me. Sadly enough, in the infertility world I am a young pup.

The last three years of my life have been a struggle coming to terms with a condition classified as a medical disease, but treatment remains uncovered by the insurance world.

For two of the last three years, I was sad. I was sad about the situation that had no cure; sad to have a disease with no coverage; sad to have a disease that was kept hush-hush; sad when anything parent or baby related came up; and sad that no one seemed to care. When I wasn't sad, I was angry. The common, "why me?" question came up too many times to count. The fairness I once saw in the world around me crumbled to the ground. If you look at my life, you would see that I made the right decisions in my life 98% of the time. I went to college, got a bachelor's and a master's. I married the man of my dreams and bought a house. Then I found my dream of having a family to fill that house wasn't going to happen naturally.

I did my research. I researched and researched about what I could do. I took every single vitamin my sisters in infertility wrote about. I did fertility acupuncture. I cut out all caffeine. Then I prayed for a miracle.

My hopes and prayers changed more than my mood swings on fertility meds. If you haven't been on fertility drugs, my husband calls him the devil drugs because they turned me into a crazy person.
Two years and a half years with no positive results left me a sad, depressed, angry person who was hopped up (or angered up) on fertility meds.

I was so sick of feeling physically and mentally exhausted. We needed a break. I have no idea how my husband put up with me day after day. I wasn't myself.

Fast forward six months. We're both in a better place with fertility. I stopped letting the anger and sadness overtake my life. We're almost ready to restart treatment and my outlook is both positive and realistic because I've resolved to know more about my disease.