Put on lipgloss and pretend you're psyched

No matter where you are in your journey of life, fertile or infertile, sometimes you have to put on lipgloss and pretend to be psyched. We all have those moments or events that trigger us. The moments that would normally trigger an eye roll need to be replaced with lipgloss and a sense of being psyched.

The days when my facebook feed is overrun with pregnancy announcements and people having their 6th kid trigger me. Unsolicited pregnancy advice is on that same chart too. Instead of going home and throwing myself a Ben and Jerry's pitty party, I'm going to take the lipgloss approach like Mindy Kaling. My lipgloss is going to be extra poppin' and I'm going to forget my own battle and focus on their happiness and excitement.

No matter how the words feel or how much of a fraud I feel like, I'm going to simply thank people for advice and congratulate them on kid number 12 with every word rolling off my sweet shimmery lipgloss.

Life is short. Apply lipgloss and glitter accordingly.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day + Infertility

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day was yesterday. 

Photo from http://oninfertileground.com/infertility-in-film/

I had an ectopic pregnancy, yet I don't morn the loss. Ectopic pregnancies are a complication when embryos implants
outside the uterus. They are dangerous for the mother, since internal haemorrhage is a life-threatening complication.

I remember the day. My niece was born that very day. I didn't know/think I was pregnant. I thought with all of the pain and blood that I had bad kidney stones. Nope. Not the case. The case was very different and the path back to normalcy included no family support and acting like everything was normal. Mourning wasn't an option.

As we mark upon 3.5 years of infertility, on that day I continually look for what could have been. While watching the craziness of my niece, I wonder what would have been. Her birthday is a yearly reminder of that ever-so lonely day.

If that pregnancy was normal, my life would be very different in ways that I can't even imagine. On that day, I would have never imagined that infertility would become my disease.

Pregnancy loss as well as infertility remain dark items behind closed doors. The topic is sensitive by nature, yet so is life itself. Sometimes there are no words, no mourning, no feelings. Sometimes a look says it all.

Today, a day after pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day, I remember the dream of a child and of what could be. Today, a day late, I still remember and think of all of us in the same boat.

Somethings in life you never forget. For those of you who've had this loss, I will forever keep you in my heart reminding me that I'm not alone.
 

Thankful for the struggle

Some days are harder than others to get by.

Some days I completely block and forget about my infertility.

Some days it hits me like a brick wall.

Some days it sits there lingering in the shadows.

I dreamed of having an amazing, highly regarded career that I loved. Being a fabulous editor of a fabulous magazine or writing fun taglines for commercials and products.

As I great older, my dream job changed. I wanted to be a mom.

I wanted to have someone who loved me unconditionally, aside from my husband and dog.

I wanted to be able to mold and shape someone into a good person. I wanted to be at soccer games and be the fun mom with the treats.

I find myself in a crisis. The two dreams of careers are not within reach; there is not light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel feels long, dark, cold, and lonely. People react to you with well meaning and intended advice that feel like jabs in disguise. Some just aren't there all together.

You find out who's really there for you.

The people who will cry watching What to Expect When your Expecting with you.

The ones who treat you like you're normal and will love you no matter what you decide.

It's finding yourself that's the hardest part of infertility.

The old, carefree version of myself was lost in tears and heartache for years.

The tears and heartache were public to few, but very evident to Ben & Jerry who spent countless nights consoling me with their various flavors of pints.

I became someone my husband didn't know. 

I was never a sad soul, yet I let this ONE thing turn me that wa.

I've come to terms with my infertility.

I'm starting to find me again. 

The me who is free spirited.

The me who is perfectly content just being a wife, a puppy mom, and an aunt.

While the search for the two dream careers may have faded a bit, rediscovering myself has made all the difference.

Without the struggle, I wouldn't have found my strength.