Friday, October 3, 2014

Thankful for the struggle

Some days are harder than others to get by.
Some days I completely block and forget about my infertility.
Some days it hits me like a brick wall.
Some days it sits there lingering in the shadows.

I dreamed of having an amazing, highly regarded career that I loved. Being a fabulous editor of a fabulous magazine or writing fun taglines for commercials and products.

As I great older, my dream job changed. I wanted to be a mom.
I wanted to have someone who loved me unconditionally, aside from my husband and dog.
I wanted to be able to mold and shape someone into a good person. I wanted to be at soccer games and be the fun mom with the treats.

I find myself in a crisis. The two dreams of careers are not within reach; there is not light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel feels long, dark, cold, and lonely. People react to you with well meaning and intended advice that feel like jabs in disguise. Some just aren't there all together.

You find out who's really there for you.
The people who will cry watching What to Expect When your Expecting with you.
The ones who treat you like you're normal and will love you no matter what you decide.
It's finding yourself that's the hardest part of infertility.
The old, carefree version of myself was lost in tears and heartache for years.
The tears and heartache were public to few, but very evident to Ben & Jerry who spent countless nights consoling me with their various flavors of pints.
I became someone my husband didn't know. 
I was never a sad soul, yet I let this ONE thing turn me that wa.

I've come to terms with my infertility.
I'm starting to find me again. 
The me who is free spirited.
The me who is perfectly content just being a wife, a puppy mom, and an aunt.

While the search for the two dream careers may have faded a bit, rediscovering myself has made all the difference.

Without the struggle, I wouldn't have found my strength.


  1. I love this post! I did a similar post recently "Thankful for what I have learned''. I totally agree with what you said!! So thankful for the strength!

    1. Caroline, so sweet of you to read this! Thank you so much for your kind words!

      I loved your post too!

  2. This was a great post! I am in a similar place of trying to be happy with all I have and coming to a place where I am finally content with just being a wife. I am still trying and remaining hopeful through everything but if it doesn't work out I have to come to terms that naturally havig children was not the plan for my life. I'll keep you and others in the same position in my prayers and thoughts.