Maybe It's Not Meant To Be

When it comes to infertility and having a baby, I know all too well how bad the phrase, "maybe it's not meant to be" stings.

Well meaning friends have said it and it stings, actually, it bites like a shark. Yet, deep down I know they're trying to comfort the hard and socially awkward situation of infertility.

What do you do when those words trickle out of your spouse's mouth? What do you do when you start believing those words?

J & I have been having the discussion lately. He brought it up. I didn't cry. It didn't sting.
The world stopped there for that second in our living room. It stopped because I knew it might in fact be true.

I've come to believe it. I find myself searching for what will fill and be the "baby" in our lives. I spend my time working two jobs and my small etsy business (technically 3 jobs) to fill the void in my life.

I treat our dog, who's 12, like my baby.

I spend my time researching a way to financially make IVF and a baby work. I wreck my brain with spreadsheets, loan options, and stress trying to make it all work out. I haven't figured it out yet.

Until I do, I'll be searching for those things in life that are meant to be.

The meant to be's in life are out there, they just take a lot of searching and time to find.

While I struggle with the sadness of infertility, it's a reminder to be gentle on myself.

"Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
-Max Ehrmann