We celebrated my husband's 30th birthday this weekend. While we had a great time celebrating, I couldn't help but me a little sad as it marked that we had surpassed the 2-year mark of trying to concieve.
I tell you, infertility is a crazy thing. For all the talk of how easy it is to get pregnant I can't help but think I was duped. It's THIS hard...for real!?!?!
It brings up so many things I never thought I would go through. I decided to do a top three experiences infertility has brought me to see.
1. Hurt & Sadness.
I never thought I would be the person to cry my eyes out over a baby shower invitation or have to go in the house when I see a mother walking her baby in a stroller in front of the house. I've cried more in the last two years than I have my entire life. Just when I feel like I'm ok with a life of no-children, something hits me like a semi and I feel this emptiness that I try to fill with tears and 'it's going to be ok' self pep talks. The tears hurt. My heart hurts. It makes you feel alone. It makes you feel alone and hurt. No matter how many infertility blogs, articles, whatever I've read I still feel alone. Every infertility case is so different that it's hard to feel the connection. Maybe because it's an online connection and not someone hugging me in real life saying, "I know how you feel. I know what you're going through."
2. Guilt.
I felt guilty for everything. For having a love of coffee because the caffeine can affect fertility; for being over weight and blaming myself for this struggle. You name it, I felt terrible about it. The guiltiest I felt was when my sister told me she was pregnant. I felt guilty because while I was ecstatic for her, it made me want to run away from her and curl up in a ball. I feel guilty for missing baby showers, for avoiding my friend's baby conversations and baby talk, for distancing myself to anything baby related. I thought distancing my self was a means of self preservation, but it just makes me feel alone.
Money also makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty for the amount we've spent to find out nothing is wrong. I also feel guilty putting a price-tag or a price limit on getting pregnant. I never thought that it would cost me so much for the simple chance to conceive.
3. Two kinds or people.
There are two kinds of people: people who avoid and infertility conversation and those who have advice. I've been very open to my family and friends about what I'm going through because it makes me feel less alone. I've even sent information from RESOLVE network about what not to say and what to say to someone going through infertility. Still people avoid the subject. People don't ask how you're doing. People don't ask if you're ok or how you're feeling. It makes you feel alone. You would ask a pregnant lady how she's doing wouldn't you? Infertility has no happy ending after 9months. People going through infertility need your support. I need your support.
Advice is something that I don't want unless I ask. I don't care if you're cousin's best friend's sister-in-law got pregnant after trying for three years because it was a blue moon. That's great for her (whoever she is) but her situation is likely not the exact same as mine. And don't tell me to relax and it'll happen. Unexplained infertility is a medical diagnosis and a medical issue. Would you tell someone with a broken arm to relax and it'll fix itself? No, because it's not going to. PLEASE don't tell me to adopt and it'll happen. The cost of adoption is high and so are fertility treatments, so unless you're going to push some cash flow my way, telling me to adopt and then I'll have a baby...yep, that's how we'll go bankrupt. We are your average income. We make it by, but can we afford IVF at around $12grand a round? Hell to the no.
Sorry to leave on a sad note. I'm a little sad panda today, but I promise the next post will be more upbeat. If you're going through infertility and reading this, I just want to say that I'm sorry and I know how much this sucks. It's going to be ok, maybe not today or even next year, but we can make it through this.
If any one out there in the world is reading this, please let me know with a comment.
Cheers,
Katie
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