Three Year Reminder

It'll be three years on Saturday.

Three years since my ectopic or tubal pregnancy.

For those of you who don't know, an ectopic pregnancy can't proceed normally. The fertilized egg can't survive, and the growing tissue might destroy various maternal structures. Left untreated, life-threatening blood loss is possible. Early treatment of an ectopic pregnancy can help preserve the chance for future healthy pregnancies. 

I remember going to acute care that day because I was bleeding a lot and in a lot of pain.

I didn't know I was pregnant. I hurt so bad and WebMD-ed myself to believe I had kidney stones.

I didn't.

I went to the doctor alone thinking it would be easy peasy.

It wasn't.

The general doctor  in acute care told me that I was pregnant and that the pregnancy wasn't normal and likely wouldn't survive, all in the same breath.

I cried. A lot.

I felt so alone.

My sister had a baby that very day and here I was finding out I had a tubal pregnancy.

I couldn't go tell my family and ruin the birth of my niece.

I didn't know what to think or do.

I left the acute care in tears--the nurse thought I was upset because I was pregnant.

She must've missed the part about the heavy bleeding, pain, and that it wouldn't survive.

I went to the doctor they recommended who must not have read my charts and told me I was fine and be on my merry way.

I wasn't fine. I bled for about two days more and took a pregnancy test that was positive and called my normal women's doctor. Luckily, he knew what was going on. My husband couldn't leave work. My mom came with. I didn't tell her what was going on. After three hours with the doctor, she was rightfully crabby from waiting. Her sense of rush made it that more difficult for me to tell her what was going on. I told her and she had no empathy. She didn't know how to respond or react.

The next day I drove myself to the doctor--alone.

I sat there horrified at the parenting magazines in the waiting room while I waited.

I saw my doctor alone and went home alone.

Here I am three years later, still struggling with fertility.

It doesn't get easier. 

I've just become better at masking it and trying to move on.

I'll go to my nieces birthday party Saturday with a big grin and big heart, but I'll leave and wonder about where I would be if mine wasn't a tubal pregnancy that day three years ago.