Hosting a baby shower while going through infertility, on paper, looks like the stupidest thing I could do. Yet, after two years of going through the ups and downs of infertility, why should I continue to put my life on-hold? I'm done crying every night about it; I'm done being sad 24/7. I'm ready to move on and move up to a more positive time in my life.
While I start my post with a strong and powerful feeling, note that there is a lot of emotion. I'm coming to terms with the fact that maybe a baby isn't in the cards for me. I feel that the this next appointment will be my final check mark of the closure list (pending the outcome I guess). I'm ready to move on with my life and stop being heartbroken over something I never had. I'm thinking of all the stuff we could've done with our money instead of testing that has given us absolutely no answers or direction to go. I feel like unexplained infertility is a joke of a diagnosis. It doesn't provide any reasons or cause and effect.The amount of heartache, sadness, tears, and nights of infertility taking me to a lonely and dark place is my life was too many. Life is way too short for that. I'm ready to be done with it all.
Going through the Infertility journey is a time when you find out who your true friends are. I cannot believe the number of 'friends' who are completely insensitive to the situation despite the number of times I confront them and tell them that their comments are hurtful and saddening to me and the topic can be painful.
Some comments have been bothering me, so here it my little vent session. If I write it down, I feel like it's taking a huge weight off my shoulders.
The person, not friend, who's pregnant and constantly complaining about how terrible pregnancy is. Well, yes, I do understand it's not all peaches and cream, but you know that's something I've wanted. I've told you my situation and how hard it is for me, so let's keep it more positive conversations about pregnancy so I can be happy for you and not upset that you're complaining and taking it for granted. The person who makes a joke of it despite me telling her that I take it very serious. Don't joke that I'm not doing 'it right.' I've calculated doing it for 26 months on the exact schedule my body (and doctor) tell me is the correct time. I've spent way too much money on ovulation kits to ensure I'm doing it all right. The person who tells me I'm not doing enough or going as far as I could to get this pregnant. We have a modest income that allows a little wiggle room. Not room to spend $12K a month on IVF. I've spent a LOT of money with everything we've done. There is also an emotional cost associated with all of this too. The heartbreak on my monthly gift has grown tiresome. The person who tells me that I can't be done trying. Are you kidding me? This is my choice. It's my body, my emotions, and my marriage that all of this is effecting. Fertility drugs make me feel like poo and also make me a crazy emotional wreck that still has to continue on with life as normal even though I feel terrible.
Ugh. It's been hard, but I also have realized how good some of my friends are to me. My husband is a trooper. He has listened to my tears and hurt day after day and still loves me. My mom has been a support beam for me. Allowing me to breakdown and have her build me back up. A few friends have been crazy great. Two who know the most don't even live in the same town as me. One lives literally across the country and gives me so much support I can feel her hugs over the phone. She listens non-stop and will even Skype and have a happy hour with me when I'm down. Another lives an hour away and was the first person to really see my hurt before I was able to open up about it. Her simply being able to recognize this shows how good of a friend she it to me. One in town takes the time to do lunch once a week (and does my hair too :) ) with me and tells me in the most heart-felt, thinking of you, kindest way that she's expecting again. I so appreciate the way she told me. Her non-stop interest in how I'm doing and what's going on with me makes me feel less crazy.
Well that's enough venting for the day.
Katie
No comments:
Post a Comment