I've been on a bit of a sabbatical from posting lately. I decided to take some time and do some soul searching.
Taking an inventory of all life's treasures, my bucket is pretty full. I married a great man, live in a house I love, live close to my family, and have a job that pays the bills.
Overall, I'm pretty blessed. I can't believe how hard it's been realizing this.
Infertility took it's toll on my self-image, my self-worth, and my marriage. There is so much emotion on that topic that it only makes sense that such power makes an impact.
Life has been an adjustment. We grew up withe the whole "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage." What if that's just not in the cards for us?
I've been grappling the whole marriage without children thing. I focused on the positive aspects of it all. Perhaps if were more of a choice and less of a condition, it would be easier.
Life without children has a lot of good--a lot of fun. There's no responsibility, no diapers, no rushing schedules to have to pick up a kid. There's more time for vacations (adult versions) and more time to just spend together. Yet, we find ourselves longing for those very things: planning a Disney vacation, tucking someone into bed at night, a reason for working our butts off.
Our marriage is great. Talking about having kids is like a business meeting for us know. All the excitement is gone. All the what-if's about having a baby have been answered. It's a meticulous (and extremely expensive) science for us now. It's a science that isn't guaranteed either.
Perhaps life is just, "first comes love, then comes marriage" for us.
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