Thankful for the struggle

Some days are harder than others to get by.

Some days I completely block and forget about my infertility.

Some days it hits me like a brick wall.

Some days it sits there lingering in the shadows.

I dreamed of having an amazing, highly regarded career that I loved. Being a fabulous editor of a fabulous magazine or writing fun taglines for commercials and products.

As I great older, my dream job changed. I wanted to be a mom.

I wanted to have someone who loved me unconditionally, aside from my husband and dog.

I wanted to be able to mold and shape someone into a good person. I wanted to be at soccer games and be the fun mom with the treats.

I find myself in a crisis. The two dreams of careers are not within reach; there is not light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel feels long, dark, cold, and lonely. People react to you with well meaning and intended advice that feel like jabs in disguise. Some just aren't there all together.

You find out who's really there for you.

The people who will cry watching What to Expect When your Expecting with you.

The ones who treat you like you're normal and will love you no matter what you decide.

It's finding yourself that's the hardest part of infertility.

The old, carefree version of myself was lost in tears and heartache for years.

The tears and heartache were public to few, but very evident to Ben & Jerry who spent countless nights consoling me with their various flavors of pints.

I became someone my husband didn't know. 

I was never a sad soul, yet I let this ONE thing turn me that wa.

I've come to terms with my infertility.

I'm starting to find me again. 

The me who is free spirited.

The me who is perfectly content just being a wife, a puppy mom, and an aunt.

While the search for the two dream careers may have faded a bit, rediscovering myself has made all the difference.

Without the struggle, I wouldn't have found my strength.

Maybe It's Not Meant To Be

When it comes to infertility and having a baby, I know all too well how bad the phrase, "maybe it's not meant to be" stings.

Well meaning friends have said it and it stings, actually, it bites like a shark. Yet, deep down I know they're trying to comfort the hard and socially awkward situation of infertility.

What do you do when those words trickle out of your spouse's mouth? What do you do when you start believing those words?

J & I have been having the discussion lately. He brought it up. I didn't cry. It didn't sting.
The world stopped there for that second in our living room. It stopped because I knew it might in fact be true.

I've come to believe it. I find myself searching for what will fill and be the "baby" in our lives. I spend my time working two jobs and my small etsy business (technically 3 jobs) to fill the void in my life.

I treat our dog, who's 12, like my baby.

I spend my time researching a way to financially make IVF and a baby work. I wreck my brain with spreadsheets, loan options, and stress trying to make it all work out. I haven't figured it out yet.

Until I do, I'll be searching for those things in life that are meant to be.

The meant to be's in life are out there, they just take a lot of searching and time to find.

While I struggle with the sadness of infertility, it's a reminder to be gentle on myself.

"Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
-Max Ehrmann

Infertility & The Nevers

It was my 10 year reunion this weekend. I opted not to go. Showing up with my husband of 3.5 years would draw the dreaded question from strangers: when are you going to have kids?

As innocent of a question that I know it is, someone going through infertility feels that question hit like a hammer. It's a reminder of the struggle, a reminder of the sad.
 I opted out of going for that reason...and because it was July 5th and we had lake plans for the 4th.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the n-word: NEVER.
Coming to terms with knowing that medically you'll NEVER be able to have kids by natural means is hard to swallow. You go through the stages of grief alone because the world keeps going on without you. I'm almost back on track with the real world, or I've distracted myself enough to go on with the world. Yet, the thought of what if we NEVER have kids has been circling my brain lately. It's something I don't know how to deal with; I get sad and angry and think about how unfair it is. With all infertility options--fertility treatments, foster care, adoption--there are NEVER any guarantees.

The only guarantee comes in the form of high costs and bills.

It makes me feel as if I am and will be "less than" for not being a part of the moms club.

Vow Vox Box Review

 

Oh how I love influenster and vox box! Nothing is better than receiving a courtesy gift to try and review form a normal person's perspective. #VowVoxBox came with all the goodies any bride, bridesmaid, or wedding guest (me) needs.


The Olay Regenerist Tone Perfect Cream is amazing. I'm not going to lie; the first time I used it I had a slight minor breakout. My skin was so used to the cheap face lotion that it didn't know what to do with something good for it. After a few days, it went back to normal and I noticed small changes in my skin: my dark spots were lightening up a bit and smoothing out. The cream is great and I'm excited to see how a few more weeks of it does. Note: a little goes a long way. If you use too much (like I did the first time), it will be greasy. I love Olay so I might be a bit biased, but it makes me my #BestBeautiful.

The EcoTools Pure Complexion Facial Sponge is great if you love a good scrub. I usually use a the Olay Pro-X cleansing system, so I'm used to a good scrub. The EcoTool sponge was hard, but quickly softens once water hits it. It gently exfoliates. Once the sponge dries it shrinks a lot. I think it's a great product, but from a sustainability stand point and product life, I'm going to stick with the Olay Pro-X cleansing system.  


Oh, Pure Silk Shave Cream is great. I forgot how great it is. It's like a paint by number version of shaving your legs. You put it on and shave it all off. LOL. I usually use the Schick intuition with the soap around the blade. Pure Silk really leaves your legs soft and hydrated. Plus, the scent it SO great.


Tide-to-go...I mean who doesn't need this! I've always been a big fan as I'm a spiller. Words like a charm every time!


The Sally Hansen Complete Salon Manicure was nice. I loved the barracuda color. It was the right amount of light color to be able to wear with everything. It went on smooth, with little effort. It did stay tacky for a long time. Yet, if I were to use a regular polish, I would have to do multiple coats, so the dry time is likely the same. 


Riley & Grey looked like a great company and idea, but I'm not sold. The price seemed pretty high when there are so many other options for a wedding website out there for free. I liked the ideas and photos they offered and think they could do awesome website design...just not for a one time event like a wedding.

Seeing Yourself through Your Dog's Eyes

Sometimes I left life get bigger than myself.
Sometimes I let life bring me down and put a value on my worth.
Stupid, I know.

As I was sulking during my lunch break, my sweet old man of a dog sat by me and gave me a big 'ol wet kiss.

That's when it hit me; that's when I stopped and saw the bigger picture.
I saw myself how my dog sees me.

He doesn't care about the extra weight I put on.
He doesn't care what my hair looks like or what clothes I'm wearing.
He certainly doesn't care what my job title is or how much money I make.

He sees me for who I am based on the things he sees me do.
He sees me as someone who loves him unconditionally, and can't stay mad at him if he has an accident.
He sees me as the lady he loves to pull on walks and rewards him with treats.

He sees my tears and gets sad eyes.
He sees me as someone worth loving.

He loves me despite it all: despite not taking him on walks everyday and despite leaving him home alone while I work.

 

Despite it all, he sits there and waits for me and waits to love me.

When life gets too big or too much, just remember how your dog sees you.