Fertility Testing: Three Things They Don't Tell You

When you struggle to conceive, it can be a scary and frustrating experience. Fertility testing is a tough choice to make in itself: by going forward with testing, you're recognizing there's a problem.

While many, including myself, move forward in order to find answers here are 3 things they won't tell you.

1. Results not guaranteed
Infertility is a diagnosis when a couple has been unsuccessful at achieving pregnancy after one year. Doctors recommend testing at that point. Tests for female infertility and a semen analysis should start immediately, but infertility is a relatively new field when it comes to finding causes. Test after test may come back normal and the only diagnosis might be unexplained infertility. (Kind of a joke, I know.)

2. Not all tests are created equal
I wish we had known where to start and more about each tests. We started by going to my local OBGYN to get us started. Tests for this can be intimidating because you want to trust your doctor 100% and often times don't know where to start or where to go.
A standard fertility evaluation includes physical exams and medical and sexual histories of both partners. Men undergo a semen analysis that evaluates sperm count and sperm movement. While this is a great place to start, this type of testing neglects to look at sperm morphology, the shape and appearance. Sperm can have abnormal heads, tails, or IGC's (immature germ cells). This type of testing is more expensive and often done once you're referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. 

This is just ONE example of how not all tests are created equally for all couples. Before we did all of the tests our reproductive endocrinologist recommended (vaginal & cervical viral and bacterial cultures, semen analysis and semen cultures, sperm penetration and functions, female gonadotropin and hormone studies, hysterosalpinogram, LH midcycle surge, midcycle estradoil and ultrasounds, luteal phase progesterone level, endrometrial biopsy, sonohysterogram--WOW, that's a lot when you type it), we had ALL normal levels. It takes a lot, and a variety of tests.


3. The guilt & blame
This is something I didn't fully anticipate: the guilt and the blame. I went into testing prepared for everything to be on me. I could handle it being on me, but I couldn't handle not knowing. When the results come back, the person or persons who has the fertility issue feel blame. Even when nothing is said, you put blame on yourself. You feel guilt for everything--for drinking in your early 20's for having those 5 cigarettes on your 18th birthday, for everything you've ever done. No matter how supportive (and I'm lucky my hubs is SO supportive) your significant other is, you still feel it. I feel it with every belly bump I see. Trying to get beyond this point it a tough one that takes time. Would I go back and not do the testing? I don't know. I don't know if the frustration would be better or worse than the guilt and blame.

These are my experiences and every couple experiencing infertility (1 in 6) have such unique situations and circumstances that we all have our own unique experiences.

Unexplained Infertility itself is a journey. It makes you step back and really look at the important things in your life. It also makes you hurt and think of all the things you would change about your past. It makes you hurt and have to tackle each day with that same painful smile on your face. It makes you busy trying to distract yourself. It makes you lonely.

The worst thing it does: it makes you put a price tag on a child.

After our RE appointment, the choices she recommended were exciting. They were exciting until we got to the details. Calculating how much it was going to cost and calculating how far we could or would be willing to go with our modest incomes.

The excitement of starting next cycle wore off as soon as the price tag was put on.

What am I doing? Am I so selfish that I would spend our live savings to maybe have a baby. The maybe is key. There are no guarantees. There's no money back. There's no tears back either. As if infertility isn't stressful enough, you just go ahead and top it with crazy big doctors bills.

As in all things in life, the choices make it hard.

I don't think there is a right or wrong in this. I think there's heartache either way.
There's pain and anger.
There's excitement and fear.

How do you share something like this? If we move forward, how do we tell people? What do we say when people say, "I can't believe you finally got pregnant!"? How do we respond? Is it a simple smile and thanks or is it something like, "Yeah..we worked really hard with our team of doctors to get this, it's truly a gift." I know I'm jumping way ahead of myself, but those are the things going on in my mind.

If you've done this, please leave a comment and offer advice.

Finding {peace} during infetility

The hardest part of the infertility journey is finding peace.

Over two years into this journey and I figure out the big picture of this journey. The hardest part for me has been the lack of answers. Unexplained infertility is a double edged sword: while I'm happy nothing is medically wrong with either of us, that also means there's nothing to fix so to speak.

As a reach milestones in my journey here are my top five ways to find peace.

1. Don't be afraid to talk about it. Yes, it's going to be hard and yes, some people won't understand. I found it most helpful to open up to our families and closest friends about it. The more I held it in, the more I hurt, and the darker and deeper the hurt got. Opening up to people is tough and not everyone is going to be the kind of support you may need. Regardless, it's the best way to gain extra support. How can someone support you if they don't know what's going on?

2. Do not let it take you over. I have infertility; it does not have me. For too long, I let our infertility take over my life. I reached a point where I felt like I was obsessed with it and I was letting it effect my marriage. When I saw this happen, I turned a leaf and decided that it was not going to have me.

3. Find distractions. The wait between the cycles, doctor's appointments, and meds can be crazy. Distract yourself with something else you love. It will occupy your time and keep your mind from being overwhelmed with infertility and all the fun that goes with it. I started this blog, took up a bit of gardening (so time consuming, but fun--I can't grow a baby, but I can grow some great flowers :) ), went to the lake as much as possible, and plan to have a lot of projects/crafts for when South Dakota's winter hits.

4. Look at your priorities, count your blessings. I really had to take a step back and evaluate my life on this one. While having a baby is a priority, it would've never been one if I didn't meet the right guy. I found that I was putting the desire to have a baby before my marriage, before my best friend. It's only looking back that I can see this. Now, I wake with daily affirmations and count my blessings. When you count them, there gets to be a lot.

5. Moving on is not giving up. For me, I'm ready to move on, but I'm not giving up. I'm moving on from the negativity, heart ache, and sadness of infertility. We've set our limits and are sticking to them. We're not giving up, but we're moving on to the next chapter. A chapter filled with laughter. If a baby miraculously becomes a part of that, even better. Yet, a  or no baby will not define us as we move forward with our journey.

If any one is out there and reading this: you're not alone.

Hosting a baby shower + Infertility

Hosting a baby shower while going through infertility,  on paper, looks like the stupidest thing I could do. Yet, after two years of going through the ups and downs of infertility, why should I continue to put my life on-hold? I'm done crying every night about it; I'm done being sad 24/7. I'm ready to move on and move up to a more positive time in my life.

While I start my post with a strong and powerful feeling, note that there is a lot of emotion. I'm coming to terms with the fact that maybe a baby isn't in the cards for me. I feel that the this next appointment will be my final check mark of the closure list (pending the outcome I guess). I'm ready to move on with my life and stop being heartbroken over something I never had. I'm thinking of all the stuff we could've done with our money instead of testing that has given us absolutely no answers or direction to go. I feel like unexplained infertility is a joke of a diagnosis. It doesn't provide any reasons or cause and effect.The amount of heartache, sadness, tears, and nights of infertility taking me to a lonely and dark place is my life was too many. Life is way too short for that. I'm ready to be done with it all.

Going through the Infertility journey is a time when you find out who your true friends are. I cannot believe the number of 'friends' who are completely insensitive to the situation despite the number of times I confront them and tell them that their comments are hurtful and saddening to me and the topic can be painful.

Some comments have been bothering me, so here it my little vent session. If I write it down, I feel like it's taking a huge weight off my shoulders.

The person, not friend, who's pregnant and constantly complaining about how terrible pregnancy is. Well, yes, I do understand it's not all peaches and cream, but you know that's something I've wanted. I've told you my situation and how hard it is for me, so let's keep it more positive conversations about pregnancy so I can be happy for you and not upset that you're complaining and taking it for granted. The person who makes a joke of it despite me telling her that I take it very serious. Don't joke that I'm not doing 'it right.' I've calculated doing it for 26 months on the exact schedule my body (and doctor) tell me is the correct time. I've spent way too much money on ovulation kits to ensure I'm doing it all right. The person who tells me I'm not doing enough or going as far as I could to get this pregnant. We have a modest income that allows a little wiggle room. Not room to spend $12K a month on IVF. I've spent a LOT of money with everything we've done. There is also an emotional cost associated with all of this too. The heartbreak on my monthly gift has grown tiresome. The person who tells me that I can't be done trying. Are you kidding me? This is my choice. It's my body, my emotions, and my marriage that all of this is effecting. Fertility drugs make me feel like poo and also make me a crazy emotional wreck that still has to continue on with life as normal even though I feel terrible.

Ugh. It's been hard, but I also have realized how good some of my friends are to me. My husband is a trooper. He has listened to my tears and hurt day after day and still loves me. My mom has been a support beam for me. Allowing me to breakdown and have her build me back up. A few friends have been crazy great. Two who know the most don't even live in the same town as me. One lives literally across the country and gives me so much support I can feel her hugs over the phone. She listens non-stop and will even Skype and have a happy hour with me when I'm down. Another lives an hour away and was the first person to really see my hurt before I was able to open up about it. Her simply being able to recognize this shows how good of a friend she it to me. One in town takes the time to do lunch once a week (and does my hair too :) ) with me and tells me in the most heart-felt, thinking of you, kindest way that she's expecting again. I so appreciate the way she told me. Her non-stop interest in how I'm doing and what's going on with me makes me feel less crazy.
 

Well that's enough venting for the day.
Katie