Hope

Where do you find hope?

Life is filled with so many ups and downs that somewhere in the middle of the crazy ride we find something to keep us going--we find hope.

We find comfort in hope

Hope is that little feeling that picks us up when we're down. The hope of a simple possibility empowers us to keep moving.

Infertility has given me a new perspective of hope.

That little feeling of hope is what makes it all worth it.

We find hope in having competent and specialized doctors and nurses.

We find hope in that there may be a miracle and that maybe it will happen.

Hope is a funny. We must believe in hope, but not count on it.

For two and a half years I've held on to the hope of having a child.

A full year, I fully trusted and invested in hope. I put all my eggs in one basket with hope.

Doing so left me farther down than I ever could imagine. I made hope my expectations, instead of a  feeling that things turn out for the best.

The second year of infertility, I believed in hope but didn't expect or rely on hope.

I find comfort in believing, but didn't get too caught up with expecting things would turn out how I wanted them to with our infertility journey.

Great thinks happen when you hope something will happen, but don't expect them to because of hope. It's a fine line, I know, but it's a line that must me set.

Infertility is a continuous cycle of ups and downs, but we continue with the hope that the best will happen. 

I continue to believe in hope, but am detached from being fully invested when it comes to hope and infertility.

I have to be.

Friendship, Kids, & Living Childless

Living childless has it's ups and downs.

The hardest part: friends with kids.

We adjust our lives to work around their schedules and babysitter availability.

We go to birthday parties.

We buy birthday presents and Christmas presents.

We adjust our lives to be part of theirs and their children's.

It's not always reciprocated. 

Yes, our lives are much different, but does that mean that we're too different to adjust?

Often times people say, "You won't understand until you have kids of your own."

That may very well be true, but that's no fault of my own.

We've spent so much of our lives sad, longing for kids of our own.

We've spent so much financially and emotionally on having kids that I don't think it's fair.

We're taking a break from the heartache of infertility and celebrating what we have.

And what we have is a life without kids.

Why shouldn't we celebrate the life we have? 

Yes, we would love kids but that's not an option right now.

Is it too much to ask that friends be willing to adjust into our lives as well?

We spend a lot of time celebrating with our friends with kids, why not have them celebrate with us?

I'm not asking people drop everything and meet our every request, but we're busy too.

I'm working two jobs (trying to start a third) and still have time to ask how little Suzy is doing, so isn't it common curtsey to ask how we are as well?

While life with and without children is very different, I think we all need to be willing to adjust.

High{5} for Friday

 High Five for Friday is a weekly post about your five favorite things recently. it's a chance to stop and reflect on the things that you've enjoyed over the past week, which is something we should all do.

1.Yogi Tahitian Vanilla Hazelnut tea. I'm not really a tea fan, but this stuff is delicious.

Not only does it taste great, but the little inspiration and saying in the tea bag lifts you up too.

2. Headbands. I'm working on headbands and finally made some packaging for them. Just Love 'em! They'll be up on my etsy site soon! 

 3.talenti gelato sea salt caramel gelato. If heaven and happiness were in ice cream form, this would be it in my book. It's SO amazing. Worth every single penny!

4. Ninja turtle hats. So fun. So simple. So soft! Available at sweetcheekssd.etsy.com

5. A simple reminder--YOU are ENOUGH!  

{Trying to} Focus on the Positive

Made using Rhonna Designs App.

2013 was a rough year at my household. Looking back on all the negative, I focused too much on it?

Why is that? I know I'm not alone in struggling with this.

Personally, I think my nature everyone is good. I believe we're all born into the world good.

Maybe that's why we focus on the negative because the negative is the part that's out of the norm.

Think about it. When we see the news the majority of it is about negative things out there. The positive stories are deemed human interest stories or fluff pieces. The newspaper (at least in my small town) has a section in the paper listing every police report/violation.

It's because those things are out of the norm; they go against our innate nature. And that's the good part.

There's SO much positivity and good out there that it's not considered hard-hitting news.

That's the great part.

 

In 2014 I'm going to focus on the positive rather than the negative.

 

{the easiest} Red velvet Cookies

These are the easiest red velvet cookies you'll ever make.

I'm a fan of red velvet cake, but sometimes am short on Tupperware that can hold a cake or cupcakes that transport easily. Hence, the red velvet cookies.

I'm a big fan of quick and easy.

Ingredients:
1 box red velvet cake mix 
2 eggs
1/2 cup oil or applesauce
Dash of vanilla (optional)
White Chocolate Chips (optional)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Mix all ingredients except white chocolate chips.  You may need a touch more oil if your batter is very dry. It can be a bit dry, so I do recommend adding the vanilla to the batter. If you're going for a healthier option, use applesauce instead.
3. Gently mix in white chocolate chips
4. Once fully mixed, take a spoonful of batter and roll into a ball. 
5. Place dough on a greased cookie sheet and gently and lightly flatten cookie.
6. Bake for 12 minutes.  
7. Enjoy! If you want you can drizzle with frosting :)

Hopes for 2014

My bestie was over last night and wished me a happy last day of being 27.

 Another year older.

I'm ready for it and I'm ready for the new year.

2013 has been down the hardest year of my life.

The non-stop infertility battle has left me battered and bruised. Chunks of my hear, my hopes, my dreams have been torn to shreds. My bank account scares me thanks to fertility treatments.

Another year older, but can it really be worse?

2013 has been the year that my hopes, dreams, and plans for the future have come to a halting stop.

I'm ready for that year to be over and ready for the crushing to stop.

 

 

2014 HAS to be better than 2013.

In 2013 my 'vacation' days were spent driving to the fertility specialist. In 2014, I'm going to take actual vacation on my vacation days.

In 2013, my pay checks went straight to fertility treatments and appointments. In 2014, I'm going to put them towards something that's a little more rewarding and promising--not sure what that will be yet.

2013 tears were 100% of heart ache and anger. 2014 is going to be filled with more laughter.

In 2013 I gave up: I gave up on everything--even myself--because I was honestly so depressed and devastated by infertility. I let it run my life. In 2014, I'm going to run my life and choose happiness.

 

Cheers to 2014 being better than 2013.

IVF, Adoption, Fostering

Having kids was always something I wanted in my life. After I got married, it became something that we both wanted as well. Our infertility path is a simple continuation of that desire. 

Yet, we sit here at a roadblock pondering what to do next.

How do we decide? What is right for us? What's next?

There is one thing we both know: we want kids and we want to have a family. The biggest question: at what cost? While I understand the financial implications of having children, I never dreamed of the cost to conceive a child.

At this point, all of our options are a gamble--a gamble of time, money, and emotions.

Foster Care/Foster Adoption
Foster care is not intended to lead to adoption. The goal is to 1) bring the children back to their parents, then 2) bring the children back in the care of a relative. After both those avenues are checked, then the next in line for adoption are the parents fostering that child. You never know or have any idea if all parental rights will be relinquished, so you may not be lucky enough to foster a child available for adoption. For us, this was too big of emotional gamble. The heartbreak I would face after loving and providing for a child only to have to see them leave would be too much. Kids can be in foster care for years and still be reunited with their birth parents. Having no children now, I just couldn't do that to myself. At this time, foster care just isn't for us. Once we have a child, I would love to do foster care. I highly admire those with the big heart to be able to go through this.

Adoption
We've considered adoption a lot. If you know anything about adoption, you would also know the expenses of it are hefty. Maybe I've seen one too many episodes of I'm having their baby on Lifetime, but adoption is a financial and emotional gamble as well. The birth mother has a 50/50 chance of choosing to parent and then we would be out the money to the adoption agency, the money to support the birth mother. We would be financially and emotionally drained, and we would be out of the time. For us, time is a big issue. In the big picture, my husband's side doesn't have a good history of living over 50. If we were to go with adoption first and it fall through and then decide on IVF, we would be out years of egg quality.

IVF
I never considered IVF until it was our only option. The clinic we go to has been very helpful, laying everything out open and honestly. IVF is expensive. The American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) lists the average price of an in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle in the U.S. to be $12,400. That price doesn't include medications or the pre-IVF procedures. I feel a bit ridiculous that this gamble is the one we want to go with, but it feels right for us. Our clinic has a 54% success rate--I'm taking the extra 4% and running with it. They also offer financing though an affiliate that is guaranteed or your money back. At this point, I'm happy and excited to get that process going within the next six months. While there is a lot of financial and emotional implications with IVF, it has the greatest success rate. After 2 and a half years of trying, we're choosing the option with the glass the fullest.

Every infertility case is different. The reasons and issues are very different. This is my view on what will work best for us and our situation.




Note:The main reason I started my blog was to have an outlet to dump my infertility emotions into.That being said, most of my posts are about infertility. I have never known anyone personally who's gone through the struggle we're going to, but blogger has connected me to so many women in my shoes that it's comforting knowing I'm not the only one going through this.