{the easiest} Red velvet Cookies

These are the easiest red velvet cookies you'll ever make.

I'm a fan of red velvet cake, but sometimes am short on Tupperware that can hold a cake or cupcakes that transport easily. Hence, the red velvet cookies.

I'm a big fan of quick and easy.

Ingredients:
1 box red velvet cake mix 
2 eggs
1/2 cup oil or applesauce
Dash of vanilla (optional)
White Chocolate Chips (optional)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Mix all ingredients except white chocolate chips.  You may need a touch more oil if your batter is very dry. It can be a bit dry, so I do recommend adding the vanilla to the batter. If you're going for a healthier option, use applesauce instead.
3. Gently mix in white chocolate chips
4. Once fully mixed, take a spoonful of batter and roll into a ball. 
5. Place dough on a greased cookie sheet and gently and lightly flatten cookie.
6. Bake for 12 minutes.  
7. Enjoy! If you want you can drizzle with frosting :)

Hopes for 2014

My bestie was over last night and wished me a happy last day of being 27.

 Another year older.

I'm ready for it and I'm ready for the new year.

2013 has been down the hardest year of my life.

The non-stop infertility battle has left me battered and bruised. Chunks of my hear, my hopes, my dreams have been torn to shreds. My bank account scares me thanks to fertility treatments.

Another year older, but can it really be worse?

2013 has been the year that my hopes, dreams, and plans for the future have come to a halting stop.

I'm ready for that year to be over and ready for the crushing to stop.

 

 

2014 HAS to be better than 2013.

In 2013 my 'vacation' days were spent driving to the fertility specialist. In 2014, I'm going to take actual vacation on my vacation days.

In 2013, my pay checks went straight to fertility treatments and appointments. In 2014, I'm going to put them towards something that's a little more rewarding and promising--not sure what that will be yet.

2013 tears were 100% of heart ache and anger. 2014 is going to be filled with more laughter.

In 2013 I gave up: I gave up on everything--even myself--because I was honestly so depressed and devastated by infertility. I let it run my life. In 2014, I'm going to run my life and choose happiness.

 

Cheers to 2014 being better than 2013.

IVF, Adoption, Fostering

Having kids was always something I wanted in my life. After I got married, it became something that we both wanted as well. Our infertility path is a simple continuation of that desire. 

Yet, we sit here at a roadblock pondering what to do next.

How do we decide? What is right for us? What's next?

There is one thing we both know: we want kids and we want to have a family. The biggest question: at what cost? While I understand the financial implications of having children, I never dreamed of the cost to conceive a child.

At this point, all of our options are a gamble--a gamble of time, money, and emotions.

Foster Care/Foster Adoption
Foster care is not intended to lead to adoption. The goal is to 1) bring the children back to their parents, then 2) bring the children back in the care of a relative. After both those avenues are checked, then the next in line for adoption are the parents fostering that child. You never know or have any idea if all parental rights will be relinquished, so you may not be lucky enough to foster a child available for adoption. For us, this was too big of emotional gamble. The heartbreak I would face after loving and providing for a child only to have to see them leave would be too much. Kids can be in foster care for years and still be reunited with their birth parents. Having no children now, I just couldn't do that to myself. At this time, foster care just isn't for us. Once we have a child, I would love to do foster care. I highly admire those with the big heart to be able to go through this.

Adoption
We've considered adoption a lot. If you know anything about adoption, you would also know the expenses of it are hefty. Maybe I've seen one too many episodes of I'm having their baby on Lifetime, but adoption is a financial and emotional gamble as well. The birth mother has a 50/50 chance of choosing to parent and then we would be out the money to the adoption agency, the money to support the birth mother. We would be financially and emotionally drained, and we would be out of the time. For us, time is a big issue. In the big picture, my husband's side doesn't have a good history of living over 50. If we were to go with adoption first and it fall through and then decide on IVF, we would be out years of egg quality.

IVF
I never considered IVF until it was our only option. The clinic we go to has been very helpful, laying everything out open and honestly. IVF is expensive. The American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) lists the average price of an in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle in the U.S. to be $12,400. That price doesn't include medications or the pre-IVF procedures. I feel a bit ridiculous that this gamble is the one we want to go with, but it feels right for us. Our clinic has a 54% success rate--I'm taking the extra 4% and running with it. They also offer financing though an affiliate that is guaranteed or your money back. At this point, I'm happy and excited to get that process going within the next six months. While there is a lot of financial and emotional implications with IVF, it has the greatest success rate. After 2 and a half years of trying, we're choosing the option with the glass the fullest.

Every infertility case is different. The reasons and issues are very different. This is my view on what will work best for us and our situation.




Note:The main reason I started my blog was to have an outlet to dump my infertility emotions into.That being said, most of my posts are about infertility. I have never known anyone personally who's gone through the struggle we're going to, but blogger has connected me to so many women in my shoes that it's comforting knowing I'm not the only one going through this.

Frigid High 5 for Friday

 

My week in a nut shell sums up this weeks high five for Friday.

1. My mom's sugar cookies. The recipe is so worn, but I swear they get better by the batch. It just doesn't seem like Christmas season without them.
2. Bruno. Jay rescued Bruno when he was a pup and I'm so glad he did. There's nothing better than seeing your dog look for you when you pull up. I read somewhere a little boy defined loves as, "...when you dog licks your face and wants to play after you left him home alone all day." I couldn't agree more.
3. Burlap. I've been making burlap banners as a hobby and to take my mind off of our infertility journey. While I have sold relatively few, the sense of fulfillment I get when someone buys one it unreal. I've always wanted to quit the 9-5 office world and start my own thing. I know the hours would be more, but it would really justify my purpose in the work world. I think it would help fill a sense of purpose in the void infertility has left in my heart. I do wish I had more support to do this; my husband believes in me though and that means the world.
4. Not loving the cold weather here. However, seeing the forecast say "Frigid" did put a smile on my face. 
5. Jay. He's my rock. Having the big IVF conversation is never easy, but he did it. He's always listened to what I say and then listens beyond what I say to hear what my heart says.

The talk: IVF

It finally happened.

The day that was my ultimate infertility nightmare.

The three letters that hit me like a train came up: IVF

Before we first met with the reproductive endocrinologist for our fertility struggle, I thought I was doing things right and decided to set limits. I said I would never do IVF. IVF wasn't for me. It wasn't for me until our last appointment.

I went into the appointment anxious. I was anxious because I knew the conversation I was going to have. Over two years of trying, endless doctor visits, and too many meds that gave me all the negative side effects, all lead to this conversation.
The no-nonsense, best chances, conversation I started was something that I didn't see myself doing. It made it feel like I was giving up. I wasn't.
I was tired. I am tired.
Tired of being sad and disappointed every month.
Tired of being in a dark place in my life.

We sat down and talked 100% facts on our chances. We were on meds and trigger shots with timed intercourse because our levels weren't good enough for IUI. She proceeded to tell us that because our levels were so off (aka bad) that the meds and trigger shots didn't give us much better chance.
IUI wasn't a good option until one level doubled and another level dropped half.
My heart sunk. My eyes stayed dry. This pain was too deep to bring up tears.
I wanted options.
The doctor gave me what she said would be our only realistic chance to conceive was through IVF.
In my head, I sarcastically remark that we're also realistically going bankrupt if we do IVF.
The cost of IVF is mind blowing: it's a straight gamble.

While I'm having this small pity party for myself, I go over in my head what I could've done in my life have avoided this situation.
There's nothing.

 The question to go through with IVF or not is loaded with burdens: emotional and financial being the biggest.

Top 5 for Greater Satisfaction in Life

5. Disconnect from technology
Ever been out for drinks, or well...anything, and your friend won't put down the damn phone? Yeah. That sucks. I don't know about you, but when it happens to me I feel like they would rather be with the person they're on the phone with. Disconnect a bit and focus on the real and true friendship that's sitting right there beside you and stop focusing on 'friendships' based on Facebook likes.

4. Be a REAL friend
To piggyback on number five, be a real friend. Be present in their life. Don't assume that someone's social media life is really what's going on in their lives. Liking someone's photo or status doesn't really do anything but offer a materialistic means of gratification. The picture of your friend's kid that you liked...yeah, have you ever met the kid? I don't know about you but to me things mean a lot more when they're directed at me individually and not through social media. Be the person who's their for your friend when there is no social media status, when it's just every day life that we're all trying to get through.

3. Be Kind
Every single one of us is facing a battle--most of those battles we never know about, but they continue to go on.  All we can do is be kind. We can take the extra time and care with each other and each others feelings. Stranger or not, kindness goes a long way.

2. Be Thankful
We tend to dwell and focus on those things we don't have. I know I'm guilty of it. We need to focus on the positive in our lives and use those positives as stepping stones to move forward with our lives. Every single damn negative thing has given us a new perspective and outlook and we need to use those negatives and develop from them. Take the time to really see and be a part of what you're thankful for in life.

1. YOU (yes you!) are perfect as-is.
I don't care if you have an extra 5 or 50lbs, you are perfect as-is. You are who you are and who you are is what matters. Stop focusing on negative things you want to change. See the thing you see as imperfections, are actually the thing people love most about you. Our so-called flaws help define us--if we were all society's perfect Barbie doll, we would all be the same. We wouldn't have any uniqueness to set us apart. So keep smiling with that non-so-perfect smile. Keep laughing that crazy loud and weird sounding laugh that makes people stare.

Three Year Reminder

It'll be three years on Saturday.

Three years since my ectopic or tubal pregnancy.

For those of you who don't know, an ectopic pregnancy can't proceed normally. The fertilized egg can't survive, and the growing tissue might destroy various maternal structures. Left untreated, life-threatening blood loss is possible. Early treatment of an ectopic pregnancy can help preserve the chance for future healthy pregnancies. 

I remember going to acute care that day because I was bleeding a lot and in a lot of pain.

I didn't know I was pregnant. I hurt so bad and WebMD-ed myself to believe I had kidney stones.

I didn't.

I went to the doctor alone thinking it would be easy peasy.

It wasn't.

The general doctor  in acute care told me that I was pregnant and that the pregnancy wasn't normal and likely wouldn't survive, all in the same breath.

I cried. A lot.

I felt so alone.

My sister had a baby that very day and here I was finding out I had a tubal pregnancy.

I couldn't go tell my family and ruin the birth of my niece.

I didn't know what to think or do.

I left the acute care in tears--the nurse thought I was upset because I was pregnant.

She must've missed the part about the heavy bleeding, pain, and that it wouldn't survive.

I went to the doctor they recommended who must not have read my charts and told me I was fine and be on my merry way.

I wasn't fine. I bled for about two days more and took a pregnancy test that was positive and called my normal women's doctor. Luckily, he knew what was going on. My husband couldn't leave work. My mom came with. I didn't tell her what was going on. After three hours with the doctor, she was rightfully crabby from waiting. Her sense of rush made it that more difficult for me to tell her what was going on. I told her and she had no empathy. She didn't know how to respond or react.

The next day I drove myself to the doctor--alone.

I sat there horrified at the parenting magazines in the waiting room while I waited.

I saw my doctor alone and went home alone.

Here I am three years later, still struggling with fertility.

It doesn't get easier. 

I've just become better at masking it and trying to move on.

I'll go to my nieces birthday party Saturday with a big grin and big heart, but I'll leave and wonder about where I would be if mine wasn't a tubal pregnancy that day three years ago.